Do You Have a Husband?

I get that question occasionally. And the conversation usually follows the same format. "Do you have a husband?" I answer, "No, not so much." Then they reply simply, "oh, my. . . four kids." Sometimes I feel proud of it. Sometimes I just feel like a freak. And sometimes I feel that I need to justify it.

I am a Christian. And I always believed that Christians don't get divorced. I have been fortunate to be around mostly intact marriages. My parents have been married for 53 years. One of my brothers for over 25. I didn't even have any divorced friends. But when I would come in contact with someone who was divorced I remember judging them. I was full of pride and arrogance about the permanence of my marriage. I am ashamed of that now. And I find myself worrying from time to time that someone is judging me. Perhaps they are.

But I am learning that I do not owe anyone an explanation. I don't need to justify myself or explain the reasons why I ended up divorced. I find that when I do that I end up feeling guilty and defending myself, even though I know it was the right decision.

One evening I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my delayed flight. I was on my way back to California after finding a place to live on my own near my family in Texas. A kind, older man struck up a conversation with me and when I told him I was moving he asked why. With shame and sadness in my eyes, I told him.

And I will never forget the kindness that stranger extended to me that day. It turns out he was a minister. He passed no judgment, and showed nothing but compassion. We finished our conversation and, of course, I went to the bathroom and cried. But, I will always be grateful to him for his reaction. I hope that now I am more like him.