I'm Not Standing Strong, but I am Still Standing

A college student shared her testimony at my church yesterday. She talked about the difficult year she has had. She talked about how she has questioned God, and how she is remaining faithful. Her friends and family have been there to help and support her as she has walked through the storms of the past several months.

It was a very authentic and heartfelt testimony. But what I appreciated the most was her closing. She said, "As I stand here before you I'm not standing strong. But I am still standing."

I tend to have such high expectations of myself. I know what it means to do well spiritually. But, over the past couple of years I have been weighed down by divorce, depression, family illnesses a cross-country move and financial problems. I beat myself up for not "standing strong." But, maybe I need to be grateful and happy that after all the past few years have brought my way that I am still standing.

I am still faithful to God. I am still committed to the body of Christ. I am still raising and educating my children. I haven't pulled an "Eat, Pray, Love" and just walked away from it all. I'm still here.

Hopefully there will come a day when I am able to stand strong - to be an encouragement and example to others, to be the one who volunteers and works behind the scenes. But, for now I am grateful that I am still standing. And I will continue to lean on God and draw strength from him so that I can stand another day.

Broken Pieces

We started reading Winnie the Pooh last night, the original stories. This may seem unimportant, but for our family this was a big deal.

Our Winnie the Pooh tradition started when I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband would read to my tummy. I have wonderful memories of laying in bed together and laughing until we cried over those stories. If you haven't read them, they have some dry humor that catches you by surprise. They are wonderful.

Then when my two oldest children were little, my husband read the stories to them at bedtime.

This has been part of our family heritage. So, last night I started reading them. I had a lump in my throat the entire time. I remember the stories so well, but have never heard my own voice reading them. It made me sad.

I can't change what has happened. All I can do is move forward and do my best to parent alone. So, I keep picking up the pieces of our broken family and trying to redeem some of the old traditions that seemed so dependent on my ex-husband. We are healing and moving forward the best that we can.

Friday Devotional - Comforting Others

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

It's so hard to know what to say to someone who is suffering a loss. "I'm sorry for your loss," seems safe enough. But, does it really offer any comfort? I knew a woman who lost her little boy to leukemia. Days later, a very insensitive man at our church said, "well sister, you just have to trust God."

Of course she needed to trust God, but that statement was of no comfort at all.

I have another friend who lost her husband this past year. She very bravely gave her testimony in church a few weeks ago. Another insensitive man (a different one) came up after and asked, "so, you're still grieving?"

The Bible says that we will be equipped to give comfort to those who need it by the comfort we have received. Maybe the more pain we endure, the more comfort we receive. And the more comfort we receive, the more we have to give.

I don't know the answer really, but I believe this passage. I worry about saying insensitive things to those who are grieving. Certainly I have experienced loss, but it is hard to know what to say to someone whose wounds are fresh. But I trust that God will provide a way for me to give comfort. Maybe it is just holding a hand, or lending an ear. Maybe it's bringing over a meal, or offering to watch the children for an afternoon. Or, maybe it is just by not saying something insensitive.

So, this week, let's take the comfort we have received during the storms in our lives and extend it to others who are hurting.

Write Shop Giveaway

One of my favorite writers, Nancy I. Sanders, has written a homeschool writing curriculum for primary students. You can check out her website at http://www.nancyisanders.com/.

I discovered that a fellow blogger has worked out a giveaway of this new curriculum. Check it out here: http://confessionsofahomeschooler.blogspot.com/2011/05/write-shop-primary-review-giveaway.html?commentPage=2

Good luck!

It's a New Day

I am getting a fresh start today. The past few weeks have been difficult for me. But sometimes that is the way God teaches me. He has lately been showing me some things I need to change - about my parenting, my friendships and the ways I handle my schedule.

So, today I am focusing on my priorities and my schedule. I woke up early and had a good quiet time. As I was getting ready for my day, I sat down and made a list of my priorities, planning my schedule accordingly. I'm hoping that by starting off this way I can spend my time today with purpose, accomplishing much without getting burned out or having that 'where did all the time go?' feeling.

As homeschooling single moms we have a lot to do. And often it feels as if there just isn't enough time in a day. But, there are actions we can take to use our time powerfully.

First, start the day by having time reading the Bible and praying. By spending our time with God first, it demonstrates that it is our top priority, and we are less likely to skip it. Today I asked God to help me prioritize and plan my day.

Secondly, be organized. It is so easy to be ruled by the "tyranny of the urgent" or to sit at the computer following rabbit trails. Make a schedule and stick to it.

And lastly, be realistic. A couple of weeks ago I made a list of all of the things that I felt that I want/need to get done in a day. After assigning a time-value to each activity, I totaled them up. I was hoping to discover that I was wasting time and could fit more in. What I discovered is that I was trying to get 18-hours worth of stuff done each day. And that didn't include sleeping, actual piano classes (my job) or parenting beyond our homeschool day. I was not being realistic. No wonder my house has been a mess and I have been discouraged.

All we can really do is our best, one day at a time. But we can learn from each day and maybe make tomorrow a bit better. Oh, and don't forget that days off are important too!

Friday Devotional - God's Plans

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I have been really struggling with life lately. I know that the Bible says that God has plans for me, but I am struggling with the way things have turned out. Was it really God's plan for me to be divorced, trying to raise and educate four children completely on my own? Was it God's plan for me to receive no child support and no physical help at all from their father? Was it God's plan for me to live 10 minutes from my parents and brothers, yet hardly ever see them?

I have been feeling burned out and weary lately. I have been keeping up a busy pace for a long time. But, I am finding it harder and harder to maintain. And, my income is still not what I need to make ends meet, which means I need to do even more.

Jesus says that "my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The Bible also says that "God gently leads those that have young." These things just aren't adding up for me right now.

But, here's the truth: I can't even begin to understand God's perspective. Where my life is right now makes no sense to me, but my understanding is so limited. I can look back with a clear conscience and say that throughout all of this I have been really trying to discern God's will and to follow it. But, the treadmill just keeps going faster and faster.

I'm sure God is trying to teach me something. I think about people in the Bible and all that some of them had to go through for God to teach them. The Israelites spent generations in Egypt and then 40 years wandering in the desert. Moses tended sheep for decades before he was ready to fulfill God's purposes for his life. Jonah had what I imagine was quite a rough weekend inside a fish.

I wish I had some grand answer or insight to share to conclude this devotional, but I don't. All I know is that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue to pray for God's wisdom and guidance. Maybe God is showing me that I need to make some changes. In the meantime I will just keep doing the best that I can, and trying to keep a teachable heart while trusting that he will show me what he wants me to see.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Running Away Screaming

I have had one of those weeks where I have felt like running away. Life just seems like too much. I think I have been feeling particularly single lately. Going to a homeschool convention last week reminded me that I miss being a "typical" homeschool family. A wedding at my church made me miss being married. And Mother's Day reminded me that I don't have the appreciation of a husband.

So, I have felt a little sad, a little angry, and alot tired. The responsibility of raising and educating four children all by myself seems particularly daunting at the moment. And the prospect of continuing to keep my family afloat financially seems exhausting.

But, I am in this for the long haul. I have 14 years left before my youngest turns 18. That's alot of parenting. Certainly I will get better at it by then and maybe not feel so tired. For the time being I am just going to try to do this one day at a time.

Friday Devotional - Gently Led

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Isaiah 40:11

I went to a homeschool conference today. I have always loved homeschool conferences and have probably been to about 10 of them over the years. There are classes to inspire and to instruct. There is an exhibit hall crammed from end to end with every type of curriculum that you can imagine. And there are hundreds of homeschoolers.

I was struck by how many babies and pregnant women I saw at this event. Between the pregnant and nursing moms, the whole place must have been awash with unseen hormones. I couldn't help but think about how different my life is from where it was when I attended my first homeschool conference.

I fit right in then. I'm pretty sure I had a baby in a carrier. I was a stay-at-home devoted wife. Homeschooling seemed exciting and all-encompassing. But, now when I go to a homeschool conference I feel a bit like a freak. No more babies. No more husband. And homeschooling has become a very small, albeit important, part of my life. I have so many other things that need my attention now. As a single mom, I am in a very small minority of homeschoolers.

The Bible says that God gently leads those who have young. All those mommies are being gently led by God. But, so am I. I'll be honest. The direction that my life has taken hasn't felt very gentle really, but I believe this scripture. I suspect that my definition of gentle may be a bit different from God's.

The last few years have been hard. But, God has never let my children go hungry. We have always had a roof over our heads and people who love us. And for today, we have all we need and more.

I am a swimmer.

I am a writer.

I am the breadwinner for my family.

I wouldn't have believed any of this if you had told me three or four years ago. Life as I knew it had to crumble to the ground for me to discover any of this. But as I emerge from the wreckage, I am slowly discovering who I can be.

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Doing Things the Hard Way

This is one of my special talents. It took me a long time to realize it though. But a few years ago I was in the checkout line at the grocery store with four 12-packs of soda in my cart. There was a buy three, get one free sale or something. When I got to the checkout I loaded all four 12-packs onto the conveyor belt.

The person behind me, who was also taking advantage of the deal on soda, loaded one 12-pack on the conveyor belt and just mentioned to the checker that she had three more in her cart.

That was when I first realized that I tend to make things harder than they really need to be. But, I'm not sure its really such a bad thing.

Today at swim team practice I was sharing a lane with another woman. I noticed that she wore her fins throughout most of the practice. I didn't. With the extra push her fins provided, she sailed through much of the practice, making the time itervals with ease. While I, without my fins, really struggled and found myself out of breath more than once.

I could have made the practice much easier for myself by wearing my fins the whole time. But I'm not sure I would have felt that same sense of accomplishment. I think I find life more rewarding when I don't opt for the easiest path.

But, I do leave my extra 12-packs in my cart now.

Happiness is a Choice?

I remember my mom telling me about a book with this title a few years ago. I have never actually read it, but I have been thinking about the concept.

Is happiness really a choice? Abraham Lincoln thought so. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," he said. And while he did make a lasting impact on history, his life was really no picnic.

I've been noticing lately how much my perceptions and attitudes affect how I feel. Something happened in my life this week that was potentially upsetting. I shared the story with a couple of friends. One of them was shocked and even flabbergasted by what had happened. The other didn't really understand what the big deal was. They just perceived it differently.

Unfortunately, I did let this event affect me. I lost sleep over it and felt sad for several days. But did I really need to? Did I have to let something that I couldn't change hurt me that much?

I don't get to choose my emotional reaction to things. Emotions just happen. But I do get to choose whether or not I dwell on those emotions. I can choose how I spend my emotional energy and what I spend time thinking about.

So perhaps happiness is a choice. Jesus promised that "in this world you will have trouble." But perhaps we can choose whether or not we spend our time happy or sad. I don't think the choice is as easy as "I'll take the blue one." But when it comes down to it, perhaps happiness is something we can choose.