Strength in Adversity

My dad is sick. He's 72 and he has some un-named lung problem. He has to be on oxygen all the time and can barely even walk up stairs. That may not seem terribly outrageous for a 72 year-old. But a year ago when I moved from California to Texas he helped load the moving van and drove it across the country. Then he helped carry heavy furniture up my stairs. My dad has eaten healthy for decades and exercised three times a week without fail for as long as I can remember.

Right now he is in his car with his portable oxygen machine driving to a hospital in Colorado. This hospital specializes in respiratory issues. He has high hopes that they will figure out what is wrong with him and find a treatment.

He took care of himself and did things "right." But, here he is, sick anyway. We just only have so much control over our futures.

I remember when I was younger I felt like nothing could really go terribly wrong. It's not that my life was perfect, but I felt like there were certain things I just couldn't handle so I couldn't possibly go through them.

I've heard it said that the strongest oak trees grow where the strongest winds blow. They respond to difficulty by becoming strong. I always thought that I had to be strong enough to deal with life's difficulties. I didn't realize that difficulties build strength.

As a single mom of four, I do things now that I never thought I could do. I really never thought that I could handle being the one in charge. I was a big fan of passing the buck. I enjoyed the security of feeling that if I couldn't handle something there was someone else who could take care of it. But now there isn't. So with whatever comes up, I'm the man (so to speak).

I hope that my dad gets his answers this week.

Denim Jumpers and Homemade Bread

When I was married I was a fairly stereotypical homeschooler. Okay, I didn't actually wear denim jumpers. But I did bake my own bread. I decided I wanted to be like the Duggars and have a lot of children. I even considered having myself and all of my girls wear only dresses. My jeans-wearing 11-year-old would have hated that.

I wore my Birkenstocks to homeschool conventions with my baby strapped to me in the latest baby-wear carrier. I tried to find the perfect curriculum and get everything done.

I think what I was really looking for was the family I had always dreamed of. But I figured out that you can't have that if it isn't a common goal.

So, now I am divorced and I have had to redefine who I am as a homeschooler. Stereotypes are out. There is no such thing as a typical single homeschooler, at least not yet. So, I have abandoned being like the Duggars, although I have learned some parenting skills from them. I do bake homemade bread when I can find the time. And I will always wear my Birkenstocks.

But it is interesting now because I don't really feel like I fit in with the married homeschoolers I know. They just don't seem to get it. And I'm not sure I would trade places with them. I have been able to let go of so much of the pressure and expectations that burdened me. We have a limited amount of time to have school each day. When the time is over, we're done. Things don't have to be perfect. My children don't have to be perfect. And even I don't have to be perfect.

Through all of this I think I have become a better homeschooler and a better parent. It feels good to break the mold. And besides, most of us who decided to homeschool are about going against the grain anyway.

Get a Life

Before my divorce was final I felt depressed most days. Since it has been final I still have bad days, but I actually have some good days now too. In the process I have learned something about myself. When I feel depressed and down I tend to isolate. It's on those days that I cringe when the phone rings. I don't want to talk to or see anyone other than my kids.

And while I think there are times when I need to listen to those feelings and give myself a break from other people, I have also learned that I almost always feel better if I push through and don't isolate.

Yesterday I was faced with an isolation feeling. It was my day off and I didn't have anything scheduled. And while I was very glad to have a day like that, I found myself feeling down also. But I had some invitations come in that I had to deal with. I had been invited to dinner for tonight (Saturday). I was nervous. It is someone I don't know very well. And then a friend from church asked if I want to get together after church on Sunday. And another friend from church invited me and my kids over for dinner and swimming on Monday night.

What I really wanted to do was crawl under my bed and hide. But I prayed, gathered up my courage and said yes to all three invitations. I am getting a life.

My marital decline/separation/divorce have pretty well consumed the last 4 years of my life. And while I have worked hard throughout that time to pursue new friendships, business ventures and hobbies, all of that has been constantly overshadowed by my marital issues.

But now the divorce is final and I am getting on with my life. It feels like I was in the middle of a lake with just my face above water, flailing from time to time, but trying to keep calm and keep breathing through those four difficult years. And now I am on the shore. I am soggy and exhausted, but I am on the shore. But as I look around I realize that I am in a new place. Very little of this land is familiar to me. I am relieved to be here and not in the middle of the lake anymore, but I am also scared and uncertain.

So, I am praying a lot. I am answering my phone. And I am accepting invitations. My life doesn't have to be about my divorce anymore. It is time to get a life, even if it scares me.

"That's not from Jesus"

When something happens that my 3-year-old doesn't like she says, "that's not from Jesus." I'm not entirely sure what her picture of Jesus is, but she is positive that he doesn't like things that make her unhappy.

I think as adults we can take this view of Jesus too. When things are going well we think, "God is really blessing me. I must be doing well." And when things don't go as we'd like them to we think that either God is not doing us right, or that we have messed up somehow and are being punished.

But, Jesus himself said that "in this world you will have trouble." We should not be surprised by that. Being a Christian is not a bargaining chip that we can use with God to guarantee an easy life. We are not promised that things will go well for us all the time. But God has made some promises to us that may help during the tough times:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Sometimes we need a reminder that God is not a genie. Just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean that they will get what they wish for. And sometimes the answers to our prayers are not what we had hoped for. Not only that, but sometimes the answers to our prayers are so different than what we expected that we don't even recognize them.

As my little one grows older and more mature, I will try to help her understand that sometimes the things that make her unhappy might actually be from Jesus. But she can always rest assured that even those things are for God's purpose and her ultimate good.

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

I saw that clip from the movie "Jerry McGuire" the other day. The world truly is all about the money isn't it? I think many of us as homeschoolers avoid the designer clothes and the latest gadgets, but we still need to eat. So, money is an issue for all of us. And those of us who are single moms feel that burden all on our own.

I don't know what other homeschooling single moms do for income. I teach piano lessons, flute lessons and Bradley childbirth classes. I don't have enough students to make it at the moment. But I have enrolled several new ones this week so things are starting to look up.

But, what about when they are not looking up? Financial stress affects most all of us. It can make us crabby and depressed. Sometimes the stress can even affect our relationship with our children.

I have a friend who is a homeschooling single mom. And probably the words that I have heard from her mouth more than any others are "God is my provider." And isn't it the truth? On Sunday the preacher did a lesson on Matthew 6 (the "worry" chapter). Here's a reminder:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . .

So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-27, 31-34

Don't worry. We'll get through this together. . .

This morning I got up, had my quiet time, got dressed and fed the kids. I had my piano lesson plans for the week completed as of yesterday and my house was clean. But, I felt anxious. I knew I had a few sticky situations to deal with and I wasn't sure how to handle them. So I sat down to write. I find that if I sit and write when I feel anxious whatever it is that is bothering me comes out and I can deal with it.

I started writing down the things I felt anxious about. And, honestly, some of them have the potential to be very difficult to deal with. I know that God will give me what I need to get them taken care of, but I'm not sure how as of yet.

I realized that what I really wanted at that moment was someone (okay, a man) to give me a hug, and tell me, "Don't worry. We'll get through this together." But, I had to again face the reality that there is no knight in shining armor who is going to come along and rescue me. I have to deal with all of these things on my own.

And I will. It is a reminder that I am stronger than I think I am. When I look back over the past two years that I have been on my own, I am amazed at what I have been able to do. So, I will pray about the things that I am concerned about and God will provide me the answers and the strength to get them taken care of. But, sometimes I do wish he could be here with me physically and give me a hug and tell me, "Don't worry. We'll get through this together."

Chivalry

I had an interesting experience this past weekend. I was at a song leading rehearsal for my church. I had brought my keyboard, which isn't terribly heavy, but is a bit cumbersome. I had to leave a little bit early, so I tried to pack it up and slip out without disturbing the rehearsal that was still going on.

I carted my stuff to the door and was getting ready to load up and take it to the car. Suddenly, three men in the rehearsal stopped what they were doing (including the one directing), jumped up and rushed to help me.

I was truly moved by that. I think as single moms we get so used to just doing what needs to be done that we forget what it feels like to receive help. I certainly could have opened the door and carried my stuff to the car alone. I do it all the time. But the gesture reminded me of something.

God wants his daughters to be treated with respect and tenderness. Many of us who have become single moms did not get here through respect and tenderness. Many of us have wounded hearts. Many may have completely forgotten what it feels like to be treated well. Many have forgotten that as daughters of God, we are worthy of being treated well - not because we have earned it - but because God loves us.

So, the next time you are carting stuff to your car, or putting the kids to bed by yourself, or wishing you had a partner to sit and talk about your day with, remember that you aren't as alone as you may feel. God is with us every step of the way. He will give us the strength and resources to do what must be done, but he will also treat us with chivalry, respect and tenderness.

Rest Time

Every afternoon for one hour everyone in my house has to go to separate rooms and be quiet. The little ones nap and the older ones play quietly, read a book, or listen to a book on cd. I don't schedule any piano classes during that time because I cherish that hour.

Rest time developed out of nap time. I realized that I needed that time to breathe, even after my kids stopped napping. I remember my mother making a comment about what a great opportunity that was to get housework done. . . uh, no. That is my sanity time.

I think I'm probably the only person in my home who actually looks forward to rest time, but it is good for all of us. One thing about being a homeschooling family - we see a lot of each other. And I love seeing a lot of each other. It's part of the reason I homeschool. I love being around my kids. They're great little people. But I think as a homeschooling mom (especially a single one) it is really easy to forget to take care of myself. And rest time is a chance to do just that.

Bunnies

There are things that I absolutely love about being a single mom. One of them is bunnies.

You see, now I have a room to myself again. And after a while it dawned on me that I can decorate it any way I want to. So, the first thing I did was buy a new bed, one that was just mine. I didn't have a ton of money of course, but I felt that it was important for me. Next I bought a girly, purple, flowery quilt for my bed, with matching dust ruffle and shams. I even made ruffled curtains to go with it.

But I still didn't have a decorating theme for my room. The place I am renting has all white walls. So I needed to figure out something. That's when I remembered how much I had always loved bunnies. So, that became my theme.

I felt silly at first. Aren't bunnies for nurseries? But I love them. And I did manage to find affordable, not babyish bunny decorations for my room (bunnyrabbits.com). And I love it. It is uniquely me.

Do You Have a Husband?

I get that question occasionally. And the conversation usually follows the same format. "Do you have a husband?" I answer, "No, not so much." Then they reply simply, "oh, my. . . four kids." Sometimes I feel proud of it. Sometimes I just feel like a freak. And sometimes I feel that I need to justify it.

I am a Christian. And I always believed that Christians don't get divorced. I have been fortunate to be around mostly intact marriages. My parents have been married for 53 years. One of my brothers for over 25. I didn't even have any divorced friends. But when I would come in contact with someone who was divorced I remember judging them. I was full of pride and arrogance about the permanence of my marriage. I am ashamed of that now. And I find myself worrying from time to time that someone is judging me. Perhaps they are.

But I am learning that I do not owe anyone an explanation. I don't need to justify myself or explain the reasons why I ended up divorced. I find that when I do that I end up feeling guilty and defending myself, even though I know it was the right decision.

One evening I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my delayed flight. I was on my way back to California after finding a place to live on my own near my family in Texas. A kind, older man struck up a conversation with me and when I told him I was moving he asked why. With shame and sadness in my eyes, I told him.

And I will never forget the kindness that stranger extended to me that day. It turns out he was a minister. He passed no judgment, and showed nothing but compassion. We finished our conversation and, of course, I went to the bathroom and cried. But, I will always be grateful to him for his reaction. I hope that now I am more like him.

Girlfriends

When I was in college I would get so mad when my best friend would ditch me to hang out with her boyfriend. But, I have to admit that once I was married I totally preferred my husband's company to that of women. And I'm sure I did some ditching of my own. I completely lost perspective on the value of girlfriends in my life.

My church would have a women's prayer group, or a women's midweek service and I never wanted to go. I think part of it is because I felt the need to compare myself to the other women there and feel inferior. But mostly it was because my husband was just everything to me. Why would I want to spend time with anyone else when he was sitting at home? Spending time with other women was almost never my first choice.

But, as my relationship with my husband deteriorated I realized that I needed something more. It turns out I'd always needed something more. I just hadn't noticed. But the day that I found out that I had received my hard-earned certification to teach childbirth classes, I reached for the phone, but didn't dial my husband's cell. I called one of my girlfriends. And she celebrated with me.

Since then I have learned so much about cultivating friendships. I have learned to listen and to give and to just be there. I have also learned to accept help, which may have been the hardest of all. I love being able to share my heart with another woman who will in turn offer compassion, or advice, or a new perspective.

There is a bond that we can have with only other women, especially women who share our deepest spiritual beliefs. As women we have so many emotional needs that no one person could possibly meet them, especially a man. So God generously and wisely provided girlfriends.

Well, here I am.

My divorce has now been final for 4 days. I never thought I would get divorced. I know, who does? I remember saying to my husband (arrogantly as it turns out), "aren't you glad our children will never have to go through a divorce?" I was so certain.


But, here I am. A year and a half ago I sat in my bedroom in California, knowing that I wanted to move to Texas and that I needed to file for divorce. It seemed so insurmountable. I remember wishing I could fast-forward to a time when both of those things had been accomplished. If I had gotten my wish, I would have fast-forwarded to today.


I am sitting here with a lump in my throat, but hope in my spirit. I am realizing that I have no idea what comes next. Can I support my family? Can I continue to homeschool? Am I crazy? I have committed my future to God and am now waiting to see what he has planned. I am currently teaching piano and chilbirth classes. And I've always dreamed of writing. I alternate between hoping to get married again someday and being glad to be on my own.


When I got married as part of my wedding vows I said, "I know that life with you is going to be an adventure." I had no idea.