Sick Days

One of my kids has a fever. I'll be honest, I get scared when my kids get sick. I'm not really scared for them. I'm scared for me. I worry that I will get sick too. And I'm afraid of being sick because as a single mom, I am the only one here to take care of them. When I was married I always knew that I could call my husband home from work if I just couldn't take care of them by myself. But now there is no one to call. It is all on me.

And now that I provide the only income for my family I worry that I won't be able to work. I don't get sick days. Any work I miss I either need to make up or refund.

I have to talk myself through it. I know I have friends and family who would go to the store and drop off groceries on my front porch. And my kids are getting older. They really can be quite self-sufficient when they need to be. And I do have a little money saved up if I had to take a loss in income. And God has always been faithful. We have been really healthy during the years I have been on my own.

But still, I get nervous.

Time for Myself

As single moms it is so easy to forget to take care of ourselves. Between the job, the bills, the home, the meals, and the kids with all of their projects and activities, it can be hard to manage a shower, let alone some 'me' time.

But, for me, finding time for myself is vital. Without it I can get burned-out. I feel overwhelmed. I snap at my kids. I feel like I just can't keep up this pace anymore. So, while it isn't always easy, I make the time.

Now, of course I am not talking about a weekend retreat every month, although that would be nice. But it is amazing how big of a difference an hour or two away from my regular life can make. Lately, I have been taking myself to breakfast once a week. I go to this little cafe with yummy, inexpensive food and good coffee. I sit down and take a few deep breaths and look out the window while I wait for my food. I actually savor what I eat. And then I pull out my fiction book and read for a while.

It doesn't take long, an hour or two at most. But I come away feeling so refreshed. Taking even a little time for myself each week makes my life feel more manageable. And, for me, that is key.

What do you do that makes your single-mom life feel manageable?

Getting out There

As a single mom, it would be so easy to isolate myself. I homeschool my kids and work out of my house. I could easily stay home all of the time. There is a lot to take care of around here and I do tend to be tired. It would be much easier to stay home and avoid the social scene.

But, I don't want to become a recluse. I like having a life so I go out and live it. I stay active in my church. I go to swim team practice. I have dinner with friends. I take the kids to the lake with my brother. I don't always feel like doing these things, but I do them anyway.

It is important for me to go out and live my life, in spite of being a single mom. Someday my kids will move out, and unless I end up getting remarried, it will just be me (and my future dog). The temptation is to stay home and let my life revolve around my children. But I have to be my own person, and I have to give them room to figure out who they are as well.

Who Cares?

One of the hard things about parenting alone is not having someone to talk with at the end of the day.

When I had a husband we would talk after he got home from work. I would have a chance to rave about my children. I would tell him the things they had done that day, and together, we would marvel at how cute they were, or how smart.

There is something so satisfying about being able to share stories about your children. But, unfortunately, not everyone is interested. Countless sitcoms have been written about people boring their friends and neighbors with home movies and endless stories of how wonderful their kids are. So, obviously, it doesn't work to share these stories with just anyone.

I was at a friend's house today. And she truly loves my children like they were her own. I went on and on about the antics of my little ones. She listened intently, and responded with comments about how cute they are.

I really appreciate knowing that someone else loves my children enough to care about their day-to-day lives. I don't think there is anything that means more to a mom than someone who loves and appreciates her children. And in a single-parent household that someone isn't always easy to come by.

Broken Pieces

We started reading Winnie the Pooh last night, the original stories. This may seem unimportant, but for our family this was a big deal.

Our Winnie the Pooh tradition started when I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband would read to my tummy. I have wonderful memories of laying in bed together and laughing until we cried over those stories. If you haven't read them, they have some dry humor that catches you by surprise. They are wonderful.

Then when my two oldest children were little, my husband read the stories to them at bedtime.

This has been part of our family heritage. So, last night I started reading them. I had a lump in my throat the entire time. I remember the stories so well, but have never heard my own voice reading them. It made me sad.

I can't change what has happened. All I can do is move forward and do my best to parent alone. So, I keep picking up the pieces of our broken family and trying to redeem some of the old traditions that seemed so dependent on my ex-husband. We are healing and moving forward the best that we can.

It's a New Day

I am getting a fresh start today. The past few weeks have been difficult for me. But sometimes that is the way God teaches me. He has lately been showing me some things I need to change - about my parenting, my friendships and the ways I handle my schedule.

So, today I am focusing on my priorities and my schedule. I woke up early and had a good quiet time. As I was getting ready for my day, I sat down and made a list of my priorities, planning my schedule accordingly. I'm hoping that by starting off this way I can spend my time today with purpose, accomplishing much without getting burned out or having that 'where did all the time go?' feeling.

As homeschooling single moms we have a lot to do. And often it feels as if there just isn't enough time in a day. But, there are actions we can take to use our time powerfully.

First, start the day by having time reading the Bible and praying. By spending our time with God first, it demonstrates that it is our top priority, and we are less likely to skip it. Today I asked God to help me prioritize and plan my day.

Secondly, be organized. It is so easy to be ruled by the "tyranny of the urgent" or to sit at the computer following rabbit trails. Make a schedule and stick to it.

And lastly, be realistic. A couple of weeks ago I made a list of all of the things that I felt that I want/need to get done in a day. After assigning a time-value to each activity, I totaled them up. I was hoping to discover that I was wasting time and could fit more in. What I discovered is that I was trying to get 18-hours worth of stuff done each day. And that didn't include sleeping, actual piano classes (my job) or parenting beyond our homeschool day. I was not being realistic. No wonder my house has been a mess and I have been discouraged.

All we can really do is our best, one day at a time. But we can learn from each day and maybe make tomorrow a bit better. Oh, and don't forget that days off are important too!

Doing Things the Hard Way

This is one of my special talents. It took me a long time to realize it though. But a few years ago I was in the checkout line at the grocery store with four 12-packs of soda in my cart. There was a buy three, get one free sale or something. When I got to the checkout I loaded all four 12-packs onto the conveyor belt.

The person behind me, who was also taking advantage of the deal on soda, loaded one 12-pack on the conveyor belt and just mentioned to the checker that she had three more in her cart.

That was when I first realized that I tend to make things harder than they really need to be. But, I'm not sure its really such a bad thing.

Today at swim team practice I was sharing a lane with another woman. I noticed that she wore her fins throughout most of the practice. I didn't. With the extra push her fins provided, she sailed through much of the practice, making the time itervals with ease. While I, without my fins, really struggled and found myself out of breath more than once.

I could have made the practice much easier for myself by wearing my fins the whole time. But I'm not sure I would have felt that same sense of accomplishment. I think I find life more rewarding when I don't opt for the easiest path.

But, I do leave my extra 12-packs in my cart now.

Pizza and Mythbusters

Family traditions are important. Growing up, my family had a lot of them. There are even specific meals we would eat on specific holidays using specific recipes. My mom made sure that things were "just so."

As a single parent I think it is easy to lose sight of the importance of family traditions. Let's face it, most days we are just trying to make it. But, to the children in a single-parent home, I think traditions may be even more important. Their lives have likely been rocked a bit and they need stability.

So, in our family we have pizza and Mythbusters. I have no doubt that my children will remember this even as adults. It is something that we all love, even me. We rarely eat out or pick up food, so getting pizza is a real treat. And when we eat pizza, we always have a living room picnic and watch Mythbusters. In fact, we aren't allowed to watch it (except on rare occasions) unless we have pizza to go with it. And we wouldn't even consider pizza without watching the show.

We have other traditions as well. We finally read together each night before bed. This is something I always wanted to do, but could never seem to manage. But, now we have read the entire 'Little House' series and are almost through 'The Chronicles of Narnia.' It is cheaper than pizza and is really quite easy to keep up with. But, again it provides stability for my kids. And I have no doubt that they will always remember these things as special family traditions.

What to do tonight?

I really like evenings. I have heard that other single moms get lonely at night, but gratefully, I rarely do. Once my kids are in bed and the house is quiet I can choose what I want to do without compromise. And that is an advantage that married people just don't have.

I don't have to watch someone else's tv show. I can read if I want to, as late as I want to, with the light on in my room. I can go to bed early, or stay up late. I can even watch a chick-flick for the thousandth time if I choose. Once my kids are in bed I don't have anyone else wanting my time, attention, or energy.

Maybe I'll take a bubble bath.

40 Trips Around the Sun

I had my birthday yesterday. The single mom birthdays hold some challenges. I do miss having someone to plan something special, or to surprise me with a gift. My ex-husband was great at gift-buying.

So, a couple of years ago I started buying myself a birthday and a Christmas present. It is never a surprise of course, but I can save up and get whatever I want most. At first it was hard to spend the money, and I felt a little silly. But I did it anyway. I figured that if I were still married, money would be spent for my birthday. Why should that change just because I'm single?

I even wrap them. And, no, I'm not surprised when I open them, But there is something about the act of ripping off the paper that just makes it more fun. And whatever I buy, whenever I buy it, I cannot use it or look at it until the big day.

One year I bought myself one of my favorite tv series on DVD for Christmas. (Ok, it was one of the Star Treks, but don't tell anyone.) I made myself wait to watch it until Christmas morning. And I was so glad that I did. My mother insists that we all try on our Christmas clothes and come show her so she can take a picture (yes, in every outfit). I hadn't been alone for that ritual in over a decade. But, I set up my portable DVD player and watched my new DVD while I tried on clothes alone and I wasn't lonely at all. I did have to pause it a lot as I ran up and down the stairs to show my clothes to my mom, but I didn't mind.

I think as single moms we have a choice. We can focus on the difficulties, and how lonely we feel, and wallow in self-pity. Or, we can be martyrs and focus on all that we do and how hard it is to do it. Or we can do what we can to take care of ourselves and enjoy our lives. So, why not buy yourself a gift? Save up, and enjoy!

Give Me a Break!

No, really, I needed a break.

As a single mom, especially a homeschooling one, I am around my kids all the time. And I love being around my kids. It's part of the reason that I choose to homeschool. But as moms, we all need a break occasionally.

A dear friend of mine (also a homeschooling, single mom) offered to keep my kids for a full 24 hours so that I could have a real break -no diapers to change, no little mouths to feed, no arguments to referee, no one to put to bed at night, and no one to interrupt my quiet time in the morning. And I didn't have to keep looking at my watch so I wouldn't miss pick-up time since they were spending the night.

I really appreciate her heart. I didn't ask her for that, or even complain to her that I needed a break. But in her situation her kids are elsewhere every other weekend so she gets a break then. She knew that I didn't.

It was lovely. I grilled myself a steak for dinner, with sauteed mushrooms. I did some shopping (fun shopping). I went to the fabric store and browsed in Half-Price Books. I sat at home and relaxed. And before I picked up my kids the next day I had a hot fudge sundae for dinner.

I am starting this week much more refreshed. Once I thought about it I realized that I hadn't had 24 hours without my children and without anything scheduled in four years. These years are busy years, and wonderful years. I know I will get lots of breaks in the far-off future. But, still, it was a nice 24 hours.

Double Standards

I teach piano lessons. Actually, I teach lessons with a revolutionary piano method called Simply Music®. This particular method is taught most effectively in groups. So, I typically teach classes with 2-5 students. The classes are great fun, but even more than that, the success of the students is like nothing I have ever seen before.

This week I had an inquiry from a homeschooling family with 3 children. I spoke with the mom who was interested in enrolling all three. She was happy to find out that, because they were fairly close in age, they could all be in a class together.

Then this morning she called me again. Her husband decided that the lessons were too expensive. I understand that. I'm on a very tight budget myself. But then she told me that her husband had figured up that I would be making more an hour than he does, so he wasn't willing to pay that much.

These people don't know that I am a single mom and that this is how I support my family. But, that shouldn't matter. What is the double standard here? Is it that a woman shouldn't make as much as a man? Or is it that piano teachers shouldn't make decent money? Whatever it was, it made me spitting-mad.

Perhaps if he is concerned that I make more money per hour than he does he should consider teaching Simply Music piano lessons himself. He wouldn't even need a music degree.

If you are interested in teaching Simply Music check out www.simplymusic.com/AboutTeaching.

Going Into the Tunnel

When my friend Kim has to have a difficult, possibly conflict-laden conversation with someone she says she is "going into the tunnel" with that person.

I don't know about you, but I do not enjoy or look forward going into the tunnel. But those tunnel moments have an interesting effect on our relationships. Logically, it seems that the best relationships would be those free from conflict and difficulty. But, experience teaches us that this just isn't the case.

Relationships where we don't ever go into the tunnel tend to be shallow. We never really know if they will survive difficulty or not. And there is something about emerging from the tunnel together that inspires loyalty. I find this even with my music students. There always comes a point where we have to deal with a difficult issue. So, we go into the tunnel.

Today I had to go into the tunnel with a student who has been with me for only two weeks. I found it empowering, not in a selfish sort of way, but in a way that made me feel confident that I can speak my mind. I shared what she needed to hear with kindness and concern, but I didn't shy away from what needed to be said. I know from experience that if this student decides to continue studying with me after our trip into the tunnel, she will likely be with me for a long time.

An Anniversary

I'm having kind of a sad day today, so far anyway. It's only 9:00am. But I have found that some days I just wake up feeling a little blue.

Today it might have something to do with the fact that it is my 1-year anniversary of living in Texas. I am glad I'm here and I'm glad that I made it through a difficult first year, but it also reminds me that things have turned out differently than I had planned.

I knew that God wanted me to move here. I prayed and got advice for months as I was making the decision. God wrapped up the answer to those prayers with a red ribbon. So I have never doubted that this was the right decision. But things have turned out differently than I had expected.

I thought I'd feel so free moving here. I thought it would be this big sigh of relief. But it was hard to get used to a different "home." And it took me much longer to make friends than I'd expected. My business has gotten off to a slower start than I'd planned. The divorce took a long time and ended up being emotionally exhausting. And my husband reacted much differently than I'd imagined he would.

One of the primary reasons I moved here (so I thought) was to be close to family and to receive their support. That has turned out much differently than I expected too. Because I haven't lived in the same city with my parents since I have been an adult, I was afraid that I would not feel like a grown-up being here. But I see how God has used the situation to show me that not only am I a grown-up, but I can actually be a source of support.

God has really taken care of me and my littles this year, and I have no doubt that he will continue to. And as for feeling blue, I am also confident that "this too shall pass."

Denim Jumpers and Homemade Bread

When I was married I was a fairly stereotypical homeschooler. Okay, I didn't actually wear denim jumpers. But I did bake my own bread. I decided I wanted to be like the Duggars and have a lot of children. I even considered having myself and all of my girls wear only dresses. My jeans-wearing 11-year-old would have hated that.

I wore my Birkenstocks to homeschool conventions with my baby strapped to me in the latest baby-wear carrier. I tried to find the perfect curriculum and get everything done.

I think what I was really looking for was the family I had always dreamed of. But I figured out that you can't have that if it isn't a common goal.

So, now I am divorced and I have had to redefine who I am as a homeschooler. Stereotypes are out. There is no such thing as a typical single homeschooler, at least not yet. So, I have abandoned being like the Duggars, although I have learned some parenting skills from them. I do bake homemade bread when I can find the time. And I will always wear my Birkenstocks.

But it is interesting now because I don't really feel like I fit in with the married homeschoolers I know. They just don't seem to get it. And I'm not sure I would trade places with them. I have been able to let go of so much of the pressure and expectations that burdened me. We have a limited amount of time to have school each day. When the time is over, we're done. Things don't have to be perfect. My children don't have to be perfect. And even I don't have to be perfect.

Through all of this I think I have become a better homeschooler and a better parent. It feels good to break the mold. And besides, most of us who decided to homeschool are about going against the grain anyway.

Get a Life

Before my divorce was final I felt depressed most days. Since it has been final I still have bad days, but I actually have some good days now too. In the process I have learned something about myself. When I feel depressed and down I tend to isolate. It's on those days that I cringe when the phone rings. I don't want to talk to or see anyone other than my kids.

And while I think there are times when I need to listen to those feelings and give myself a break from other people, I have also learned that I almost always feel better if I push through and don't isolate.

Yesterday I was faced with an isolation feeling. It was my day off and I didn't have anything scheduled. And while I was very glad to have a day like that, I found myself feeling down also. But I had some invitations come in that I had to deal with. I had been invited to dinner for tonight (Saturday). I was nervous. It is someone I don't know very well. And then a friend from church asked if I want to get together after church on Sunday. And another friend from church invited me and my kids over for dinner and swimming on Monday night.

What I really wanted to do was crawl under my bed and hide. But I prayed, gathered up my courage and said yes to all three invitations. I am getting a life.

My marital decline/separation/divorce have pretty well consumed the last 4 years of my life. And while I have worked hard throughout that time to pursue new friendships, business ventures and hobbies, all of that has been constantly overshadowed by my marital issues.

But now the divorce is final and I am getting on with my life. It feels like I was in the middle of a lake with just my face above water, flailing from time to time, but trying to keep calm and keep breathing through those four difficult years. And now I am on the shore. I am soggy and exhausted, but I am on the shore. But as I look around I realize that I am in a new place. Very little of this land is familiar to me. I am relieved to be here and not in the middle of the lake anymore, but I am also scared and uncertain.

So, I am praying a lot. I am answering my phone. And I am accepting invitations. My life doesn't have to be about my divorce anymore. It is time to get a life, even if it scares me.

Rest Time

Every afternoon for one hour everyone in my house has to go to separate rooms and be quiet. The little ones nap and the older ones play quietly, read a book, or listen to a book on cd. I don't schedule any piano classes during that time because I cherish that hour.

Rest time developed out of nap time. I realized that I needed that time to breathe, even after my kids stopped napping. I remember my mother making a comment about what a great opportunity that was to get housework done. . . uh, no. That is my sanity time.

I think I'm probably the only person in my home who actually looks forward to rest time, but it is good for all of us. One thing about being a homeschooling family - we see a lot of each other. And I love seeing a lot of each other. It's part of the reason I homeschool. I love being around my kids. They're great little people. But I think as a homeschooling mom (especially a single one) it is really easy to forget to take care of myself. And rest time is a chance to do just that.

Do You Have a Husband?

I get that question occasionally. And the conversation usually follows the same format. "Do you have a husband?" I answer, "No, not so much." Then they reply simply, "oh, my. . . four kids." Sometimes I feel proud of it. Sometimes I just feel like a freak. And sometimes I feel that I need to justify it.

I am a Christian. And I always believed that Christians don't get divorced. I have been fortunate to be around mostly intact marriages. My parents have been married for 53 years. One of my brothers for over 25. I didn't even have any divorced friends. But when I would come in contact with someone who was divorced I remember judging them. I was full of pride and arrogance about the permanence of my marriage. I am ashamed of that now. And I find myself worrying from time to time that someone is judging me. Perhaps they are.

But I am learning that I do not owe anyone an explanation. I don't need to justify myself or explain the reasons why I ended up divorced. I find that when I do that I end up feeling guilty and defending myself, even though I know it was the right decision.

One evening I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my delayed flight. I was on my way back to California after finding a place to live on my own near my family in Texas. A kind, older man struck up a conversation with me and when I told him I was moving he asked why. With shame and sadness in my eyes, I told him.

And I will never forget the kindness that stranger extended to me that day. It turns out he was a minister. He passed no judgment, and showed nothing but compassion. We finished our conversation and, of course, I went to the bathroom and cried. But, I will always be grateful to him for his reaction. I hope that now I am more like him.

Well, here I am.

My divorce has now been final for 4 days. I never thought I would get divorced. I know, who does? I remember saying to my husband (arrogantly as it turns out), "aren't you glad our children will never have to go through a divorce?" I was so certain.


But, here I am. A year and a half ago I sat in my bedroom in California, knowing that I wanted to move to Texas and that I needed to file for divorce. It seemed so insurmountable. I remember wishing I could fast-forward to a time when both of those things had been accomplished. If I had gotten my wish, I would have fast-forwarded to today.


I am sitting here with a lump in my throat, but hope in my spirit. I am realizing that I have no idea what comes next. Can I support my family? Can I continue to homeschool? Am I crazy? I have committed my future to God and am now waiting to see what he has planned. I am currently teaching piano and chilbirth classes. And I've always dreamed of writing. I alternate between hoping to get married again someday and being glad to be on my own.


When I got married as part of my wedding vows I said, "I know that life with you is going to be an adventure." I had no idea.