I'm Not Standing Strong, but I am Still Standing

A college student shared her testimony at my church yesterday. She talked about the difficult year she has had. She talked about how she has questioned God, and how she is remaining faithful. Her friends and family have been there to help and support her as she has walked through the storms of the past several months.

It was a very authentic and heartfelt testimony. But what I appreciated the most was her closing. She said, "As I stand here before you I'm not standing strong. But I am still standing."

I tend to have such high expectations of myself. I know what it means to do well spiritually. But, over the past couple of years I have been weighed down by divorce, depression, family illnesses a cross-country move and financial problems. I beat myself up for not "standing strong." But, maybe I need to be grateful and happy that after all the past few years have brought my way that I am still standing.

I am still faithful to God. I am still committed to the body of Christ. I am still raising and educating my children. I haven't pulled an "Eat, Pray, Love" and just walked away from it all. I'm still here.

Hopefully there will come a day when I am able to stand strong - to be an encouragement and example to others, to be the one who volunteers and works behind the scenes. But, for now I am grateful that I am still standing. And I will continue to lean on God and draw strength from him so that I can stand another day.

Running Away Screaming

I have had one of those weeks where I have felt like running away. Life just seems like too much. I think I have been feeling particularly single lately. Going to a homeschool convention last week reminded me that I miss being a "typical" homeschool family. A wedding at my church made me miss being married. And Mother's Day reminded me that I don't have the appreciation of a husband.

So, I have felt a little sad, a little angry, and alot tired. The responsibility of raising and educating four children all by myself seems particularly daunting at the moment. And the prospect of continuing to keep my family afloat financially seems exhausting.

But, I am in this for the long haul. I have 14 years left before my youngest turns 18. That's alot of parenting. Certainly I will get better at it by then and maybe not feel so tired. For the time being I am just going to try to do this one day at a time.

God Made You Special and He Loves You Very Much

Have you seen Veggie Tales? I love them. And I love their tagline.

God did make each one of us special. When was the last time you focused on that? It is so much easier to focus on what we don't like about ourselves. And our culture is more than happy to assist in that. Just take a look at the magazine covers next time you are in the check-out line. Are you stunningly beautiful? Independently wealthy? Driving the latest and greatest car? Madly in love with someone who is madly in love with you? Running your own Fortune 500 company?

Probably not. Perhaps your jeans are a size or two bigger than what you would like. Maybe you found a new grey hair this morning. Maybe your car is old and your love-life is a bit dull. Or maybe your job is anything but glamorous.

But, at your core, the very center of who you are, you are special. It doesn't matter what you look like or what kind of car you drive. It doesn't matter how you measure up in the world. What matters is that God created you exactly as he wanted you to be.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalm 139:14

So, the next time you are standing in line at the grocery store and notice the beautiful, wealthy people on the covers of the magazines remember, God made you special and he loves you very much.

S.O.S.

We've all read them. You know, the "happily ever after" stories. It's so interesting to me that once the prince and princess are married that the rest is guaranteed. I suspect that I'm not the only one who expected that to be true in real life.

But, here I am. I am a single mom of four children under 12. And I am feeling the pressure. I sense a great weight on my shoulders. How will I make it financially? How will I raise them all by myself? How do a teach a boy to be a man? It is a great responsibility. There are times when I wish I had someone to share the burden.

Our church service this week was at the airport, well not in the airport exactly. It was at a hotel at the airport though. I don't know if you've ever been to DFW, but it is practically its own city. I hate driving to DFW. But, that's where church was. So I loaded us all up in the car and headed out.

We made it okay. But then we had to park in the garage. I have a lousy sense of direction and often have trouble relocating my car after I park it in a big parking garage. I took note of my parking place number. I made sure to notice which level we were on. When I walked into the hotel I tried to pay close attention to where we came in so that we could leave through the same door. But all the while I knew that when the time came to leave I would feel uncertain about where to go.

As we sat in service in a giant hotel ballroom I noticed that I kept looking towards the door as if I were waiting for someone. My children were all accounted for and I'd seen most of my friends already. There was no one to look for really. Eventually, I realized that I was looking for a rescuer. It's almost as if I expected the right man to walk through that door any minute. And he would know exactly where we had parked. He would be happy to navigate us out of the airport heading in the right direction. And he would even drive. He would help make the decision about what to do for lunch. And he would be perfectly happy to carry the exhausted three-year-old to the car.

I watched the door for a while, but he never came in. I'm not sure I would have recognized him even if he had. So, we left church. And, yes, I had trouble figuring out which of the doors to the parking garage was the correct one. And I wasn't sure I was in the right place until I actually saw my car. I turned off the radio and told my kids to be quiet so I could concentrate on our way out of the airport in order to make sure I ended up going in the right direction.

But, we made it home.

There are things that really scare me about being a single mom. But, somehow I manage to get through them anyway. Still, there are times when it would be nice to have a man around.

Do you know anyone who knows how to put together a bunk bed?

Strength in Adversity

My dad is sick. He's 72 and he has some un-named lung problem. He has to be on oxygen all the time and can barely even walk up stairs. That may not seem terribly outrageous for a 72 year-old. But a year ago when I moved from California to Texas he helped load the moving van and drove it across the country. Then he helped carry heavy furniture up my stairs. My dad has eaten healthy for decades and exercised three times a week without fail for as long as I can remember.

Right now he is in his car with his portable oxygen machine driving to a hospital in Colorado. This hospital specializes in respiratory issues. He has high hopes that they will figure out what is wrong with him and find a treatment.

He took care of himself and did things "right." But, here he is, sick anyway. We just only have so much control over our futures.

I remember when I was younger I felt like nothing could really go terribly wrong. It's not that my life was perfect, but I felt like there were certain things I just couldn't handle so I couldn't possibly go through them.

I've heard it said that the strongest oak trees grow where the strongest winds blow. They respond to difficulty by becoming strong. I always thought that I had to be strong enough to deal with life's difficulties. I didn't realize that difficulties build strength.

As a single mom of four, I do things now that I never thought I could do. I really never thought that I could handle being the one in charge. I was a big fan of passing the buck. I enjoyed the security of feeling that if I couldn't handle something there was someone else who could take care of it. But now there isn't. So with whatever comes up, I'm the man (so to speak).

I hope that my dad gets his answers this week.

Don't worry. We'll get through this together. . .

This morning I got up, had my quiet time, got dressed and fed the kids. I had my piano lesson plans for the week completed as of yesterday and my house was clean. But, I felt anxious. I knew I had a few sticky situations to deal with and I wasn't sure how to handle them. So I sat down to write. I find that if I sit and write when I feel anxious whatever it is that is bothering me comes out and I can deal with it.

I started writing down the things I felt anxious about. And, honestly, some of them have the potential to be very difficult to deal with. I know that God will give me what I need to get them taken care of, but I'm not sure how as of yet.

I realized that what I really wanted at that moment was someone (okay, a man) to give me a hug, and tell me, "Don't worry. We'll get through this together." But, I had to again face the reality that there is no knight in shining armor who is going to come along and rescue me. I have to deal with all of these things on my own.

And I will. It is a reminder that I am stronger than I think I am. When I look back over the past two years that I have been on my own, I am amazed at what I have been able to do. So, I will pray about the things that I am concerned about and God will provide me the answers and the strength to get them taken care of. But, sometimes I do wish he could be here with me physically and give me a hug and tell me, "Don't worry. We'll get through this together."

Girlfriends

When I was in college I would get so mad when my best friend would ditch me to hang out with her boyfriend. But, I have to admit that once I was married I totally preferred my husband's company to that of women. And I'm sure I did some ditching of my own. I completely lost perspective on the value of girlfriends in my life.

My church would have a women's prayer group, or a women's midweek service and I never wanted to go. I think part of it is because I felt the need to compare myself to the other women there and feel inferior. But mostly it was because my husband was just everything to me. Why would I want to spend time with anyone else when he was sitting at home? Spending time with other women was almost never my first choice.

But, as my relationship with my husband deteriorated I realized that I needed something more. It turns out I'd always needed something more. I just hadn't noticed. But the day that I found out that I had received my hard-earned certification to teach childbirth classes, I reached for the phone, but didn't dial my husband's cell. I called one of my girlfriends. And she celebrated with me.

Since then I have learned so much about cultivating friendships. I have learned to listen and to give and to just be there. I have also learned to accept help, which may have been the hardest of all. I love being able to share my heart with another woman who will in turn offer compassion, or advice, or a new perspective.

There is a bond that we can have with only other women, especially women who share our deepest spiritual beliefs. As women we have so many emotional needs that no one person could possibly meet them, especially a man. So God generously and wisely provided girlfriends.