I am a swimmer.

I am a writer.

I am the breadwinner for my family.

I wouldn't have believed any of this if you had told me three or four years ago. Life as I knew it had to crumble to the ground for me to discover any of this. But as I emerge from the wreckage, I am slowly discovering who I can be.

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Happiness is a Choice?

I remember my mom telling me about a book with this title a few years ago. I have never actually read it, but I have been thinking about the concept.

Is happiness really a choice? Abraham Lincoln thought so. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," he said. And while he did make a lasting impact on history, his life was really no picnic.

I've been noticing lately how much my perceptions and attitudes affect how I feel. Something happened in my life this week that was potentially upsetting. I shared the story with a couple of friends. One of them was shocked and even flabbergasted by what had happened. The other didn't really understand what the big deal was. They just perceived it differently.

Unfortunately, I did let this event affect me. I lost sleep over it and felt sad for several days. But did I really need to? Did I have to let something that I couldn't change hurt me that much?

I don't get to choose my emotional reaction to things. Emotions just happen. But I do get to choose whether or not I dwell on those emotions. I can choose how I spend my emotional energy and what I spend time thinking about.

So perhaps happiness is a choice. Jesus promised that "in this world you will have trouble." But perhaps we can choose whether or not we spend our time happy or sad. I don't think the choice is as easy as "I'll take the blue one." But when it comes down to it, perhaps happiness is something we can choose.

It's All in How You Look at It

My dad had a lung transplant last September. And his recovery has been a rough road. In fact, next week he has to go back to the hospital (which is halfway across the country from where he lives) and have a chemo-type treatment for rejection.

I have been amazed by his attitude throughout this entire ordeal. Since his transplant just 7 months ago he has had RSV, pneumonia, a fungal infection, a nearly life-ending blood clot and rejection (twice). Yet, he remains hopeful and optimistic. I have yet to even hear him complain.

A few weeks ago I was at my parents' house for dinner. My dad was struggling at the time. He required constant supplemental oxygen and couldn't stand for very long. As he sat at the table with oxygen tubes in his nose, he explained to me that he has decided he would like to become a singer. He's not looking to be the next American Idol, but he would like to try out for his church choir.

This sounded fairly ridiculous to me, but I just listened. His next statement blew me away. "I think I'd have a real advantage over other beginners because I've learned to breathe with my diaphragm since the lung transplant."

This is why my dad will be around for 20 more years if he has any say in the matter. He's 73 years old, has a lung that didn't originally belong to him, is on oxygen and can't stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time. Yet he "has a real advantage" when it comes to singing in the choir.

How much of our success in life has to do with our perspective, with the way we view our situation? Are you a victim, or a conqueror?

Ecclesiastes 6:13-14

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future."

A beloved man from my church died this weekend. He left behind a wife and five children. The whole church is reeling. It left many of us wondering - with so many men out there who are hurting and abandoning their families, why would God take a good man who loved his wife and children?

The inevitable conclusion is that we just aren't privy to that information. But, we still question why. I heard it said once that our lives are like a beautiful tapestry. But, while we are on earth God only allows us to see the back of it. I don't know if you've ever seen the back of a tapestry, but it is a mess of strings and the picture is pretty unrecognizable. It isn't until we get to heaven that we have the perspective to see the beauty of the picture. Maybe then we will gain some understanding of the things in life that seem so unfair, that seem to have no good purpose, to the pain that people suffer.

I think the answer is simply this: God has a perspective that we cannot possibly fathom. He sees the past, present and even the future with perfect clarity. He is never perplexed. He is never surprised. He never makes a mistake. He never thinks, "oh no, what am I going to do now?"

So, we can have faith, even through the hard, yucky times. God is working beautiful things in and through our lives. And someday, for those of us who are obedient to God's word, we will be done with the pain and sorrow and tears. Maybe then we will see things a bit more from God's perspective. In heaven we may understand all of this, but I suspect that at that point none of it will seem nearly as important.

"That's not from Jesus"

When something happens that my 3-year-old doesn't like she says, "that's not from Jesus." I'm not entirely sure what her picture of Jesus is, but she is positive that he doesn't like things that make her unhappy.

I think as adults we can take this view of Jesus too. When things are going well we think, "God is really blessing me. I must be doing well." And when things don't go as we'd like them to we think that either God is not doing us right, or that we have messed up somehow and are being punished.

But, Jesus himself said that "in this world you will have trouble." We should not be surprised by that. Being a Christian is not a bargaining chip that we can use with God to guarantee an easy life. We are not promised that things will go well for us all the time. But God has made some promises to us that may help during the tough times:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Sometimes we need a reminder that God is not a genie. Just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean that they will get what they wish for. And sometimes the answers to our prayers are not what we had hoped for. Not only that, but sometimes the answers to our prayers are so different than what we expected that we don't even recognize them.

As my little one grows older and more mature, I will try to help her understand that sometimes the things that make her unhappy might actually be from Jesus. But she can always rest assured that even those things are for God's purpose and her ultimate good.

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

I saw that clip from the movie "Jerry McGuire" the other day. The world truly is all about the money isn't it? I think many of us as homeschoolers avoid the designer clothes and the latest gadgets, but we still need to eat. So, money is an issue for all of us. And those of us who are single moms feel that burden all on our own.

I don't know what other homeschooling single moms do for income. I teach piano lessons, flute lessons and Bradley childbirth classes. I don't have enough students to make it at the moment. But I have enrolled several new ones this week so things are starting to look up.

But, what about when they are not looking up? Financial stress affects most all of us. It can make us crabby and depressed. Sometimes the stress can even affect our relationship with our children.

I have a friend who is a homeschooling single mom. And probably the words that I have heard from her mouth more than any others are "God is my provider." And isn't it the truth? On Sunday the preacher did a lesson on Matthew 6 (the "worry" chapter). Here's a reminder:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . .

So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-27, 31-34

Chivalry

I had an interesting experience this past weekend. I was at a song leading rehearsal for my church. I had brought my keyboard, which isn't terribly heavy, but is a bit cumbersome. I had to leave a little bit early, so I tried to pack it up and slip out without disturbing the rehearsal that was still going on.

I carted my stuff to the door and was getting ready to load up and take it to the car. Suddenly, three men in the rehearsal stopped what they were doing (including the one directing), jumped up and rushed to help me.

I was truly moved by that. I think as single moms we get so used to just doing what needs to be done that we forget what it feels like to receive help. I certainly could have opened the door and carried my stuff to the car alone. I do it all the time. But the gesture reminded me of something.

God wants his daughters to be treated with respect and tenderness. Many of us who have become single moms did not get here through respect and tenderness. Many of us have wounded hearts. Many may have completely forgotten what it feels like to be treated well. Many have forgotten that as daughters of God, we are worthy of being treated well - not because we have earned it - but because God loves us.

So, the next time you are carting stuff to your car, or putting the kids to bed by yourself, or wishing you had a partner to sit and talk about your day with, remember that you aren't as alone as you may feel. God is with us every step of the way. He will give us the strength and resources to do what must be done, but he will also treat us with chivalry, respect and tenderness.

Bunnies

There are things that I absolutely love about being a single mom. One of them is bunnies.

You see, now I have a room to myself again. And after a while it dawned on me that I can decorate it any way I want to. So, the first thing I did was buy a new bed, one that was just mine. I didn't have a ton of money of course, but I felt that it was important for me. Next I bought a girly, purple, flowery quilt for my bed, with matching dust ruffle and shams. I even made ruffled curtains to go with it.

But I still didn't have a decorating theme for my room. The place I am renting has all white walls. So I needed to figure out something. That's when I remembered how much I had always loved bunnies. So, that became my theme.

I felt silly at first. Aren't bunnies for nurseries? But I love them. And I did manage to find affordable, not babyish bunny decorations for my room (bunnyrabbits.com). And I love it. It is uniquely me.