Running Away Screaming

I have had one of those weeks where I have felt like running away. Life just seems like too much. I think I have been feeling particularly single lately. Going to a homeschool convention last week reminded me that I miss being a "typical" homeschool family. A wedding at my church made me miss being married. And Mother's Day reminded me that I don't have the appreciation of a husband.

So, I have felt a little sad, a little angry, and alot tired. The responsibility of raising and educating four children all by myself seems particularly daunting at the moment. And the prospect of continuing to keep my family afloat financially seems exhausting.

But, I am in this for the long haul. I have 14 years left before my youngest turns 18. That's alot of parenting. Certainly I will get better at it by then and maybe not feel so tired. For the time being I am just going to try to do this one day at a time.

Friday Devotional - Gently Led

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Isaiah 40:11

I went to a homeschool conference today. I have always loved homeschool conferences and have probably been to about 10 of them over the years. There are classes to inspire and to instruct. There is an exhibit hall crammed from end to end with every type of curriculum that you can imagine. And there are hundreds of homeschoolers.

I was struck by how many babies and pregnant women I saw at this event. Between the pregnant and nursing moms, the whole place must have been awash with unseen hormones. I couldn't help but think about how different my life is from where it was when I attended my first homeschool conference.

I fit right in then. I'm pretty sure I had a baby in a carrier. I was a stay-at-home devoted wife. Homeschooling seemed exciting and all-encompassing. But, now when I go to a homeschool conference I feel a bit like a freak. No more babies. No more husband. And homeschooling has become a very small, albeit important, part of my life. I have so many other things that need my attention now. As a single mom, I am in a very small minority of homeschoolers.

The Bible says that God gently leads those who have young. All those mommies are being gently led by God. But, so am I. I'll be honest. The direction that my life has taken hasn't felt very gentle really, but I believe this scripture. I suspect that my definition of gentle may be a bit different from God's.

The last few years have been hard. But, God has never let my children go hungry. We have always had a roof over our heads and people who love us. And for today, we have all we need and more.

I am a swimmer.

I am a writer.

I am the breadwinner for my family.

I wouldn't have believed any of this if you had told me three or four years ago. Life as I knew it had to crumble to the ground for me to discover any of this. But as I emerge from the wreckage, I am slowly discovering who I can be.

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Doing Things the Hard Way

This is one of my special talents. It took me a long time to realize it though. But a few years ago I was in the checkout line at the grocery store with four 12-packs of soda in my cart. There was a buy three, get one free sale or something. When I got to the checkout I loaded all four 12-packs onto the conveyor belt.

The person behind me, who was also taking advantage of the deal on soda, loaded one 12-pack on the conveyor belt and just mentioned to the checker that she had three more in her cart.

That was when I first realized that I tend to make things harder than they really need to be. But, I'm not sure its really such a bad thing.

Today at swim team practice I was sharing a lane with another woman. I noticed that she wore her fins throughout most of the practice. I didn't. With the extra push her fins provided, she sailed through much of the practice, making the time itervals with ease. While I, without my fins, really struggled and found myself out of breath more than once.

I could have made the practice much easier for myself by wearing my fins the whole time. But I'm not sure I would have felt that same sense of accomplishment. I think I find life more rewarding when I don't opt for the easiest path.

But, I do leave my extra 12-packs in my cart now.

Happiness is a Choice?

I remember my mom telling me about a book with this title a few years ago. I have never actually read it, but I have been thinking about the concept.

Is happiness really a choice? Abraham Lincoln thought so. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," he said. And while he did make a lasting impact on history, his life was really no picnic.

I've been noticing lately how much my perceptions and attitudes affect how I feel. Something happened in my life this week that was potentially upsetting. I shared the story with a couple of friends. One of them was shocked and even flabbergasted by what had happened. The other didn't really understand what the big deal was. They just perceived it differently.

Unfortunately, I did let this event affect me. I lost sleep over it and felt sad for several days. But did I really need to? Did I have to let something that I couldn't change hurt me that much?

I don't get to choose my emotional reaction to things. Emotions just happen. But I do get to choose whether or not I dwell on those emotions. I can choose how I spend my emotional energy and what I spend time thinking about.

So perhaps happiness is a choice. Jesus promised that "in this world you will have trouble." But perhaps we can choose whether or not we spend our time happy or sad. I don't think the choice is as easy as "I'll take the blue one." But when it comes down to it, perhaps happiness is something we can choose.

God Made You Special and He Loves You Very Much

Have you seen Veggie Tales? I love them. And I love their tagline.

God did make each one of us special. When was the last time you focused on that? It is so much easier to focus on what we don't like about ourselves. And our culture is more than happy to assist in that. Just take a look at the magazine covers next time you are in the check-out line. Are you stunningly beautiful? Independently wealthy? Driving the latest and greatest car? Madly in love with someone who is madly in love with you? Running your own Fortune 500 company?

Probably not. Perhaps your jeans are a size or two bigger than what you would like. Maybe you found a new grey hair this morning. Maybe your car is old and your love-life is a bit dull. Or maybe your job is anything but glamorous.

But, at your core, the very center of who you are, you are special. It doesn't matter what you look like or what kind of car you drive. It doesn't matter how you measure up in the world. What matters is that God created you exactly as he wanted you to be.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalm 139:14

So, the next time you are standing in line at the grocery store and notice the beautiful, wealthy people on the covers of the magazines remember, God made you special and he loves you very much.

It's All in How You Look at It

My dad had a lung transplant last September. And his recovery has been a rough road. In fact, next week he has to go back to the hospital (which is halfway across the country from where he lives) and have a chemo-type treatment for rejection.

I have been amazed by his attitude throughout this entire ordeal. Since his transplant just 7 months ago he has had RSV, pneumonia, a fungal infection, a nearly life-ending blood clot and rejection (twice). Yet, he remains hopeful and optimistic. I have yet to even hear him complain.

A few weeks ago I was at my parents' house for dinner. My dad was struggling at the time. He required constant supplemental oxygen and couldn't stand for very long. As he sat at the table with oxygen tubes in his nose, he explained to me that he has decided he would like to become a singer. He's not looking to be the next American Idol, but he would like to try out for his church choir.

This sounded fairly ridiculous to me, but I just listened. His next statement blew me away. "I think I'd have a real advantage over other beginners because I've learned to breathe with my diaphragm since the lung transplant."

This is why my dad will be around for 20 more years if he has any say in the matter. He's 73 years old, has a lung that didn't originally belong to him, is on oxygen and can't stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time. Yet he "has a real advantage" when it comes to singing in the choir.

How much of our success in life has to do with our perspective, with the way we view our situation? Are you a victim, or a conqueror?