Single Homeschooling Mom

Parenting is Hard

2011-10-08T15:44:00.001-07:00

Some days I just love being a mom. My kids are so cute and smart and wonderful.

Then there are days like this. It has been incident after incident after incident. On days like this I wonder, "have I been parenting at all? Whose children are these people?"

Sometimes I worry that as a working/business-owning single mom that I am just not focused in enough. Yes, I'm with them probably much more than a typical married mom who sends her kids to school and various after-school activities. But on a day like today I wonder how so much could have slipped past me and then all come out in one day.

It's days like this where I do kind of wish that there were someone else to share in the responsibility (or maybe the blame) with. Or at least a shoulder to cry on.

Sick Days

2011-10-02T18:30:00.001-07:00

One of my kids has a fever. I'll be honest, I get scared when my kids get sick. I'm not really scared for them. I'm scared for me. I worry that I will get sick too. And I'm afraid of being sick because as a single mom, I am the only one here to take care of them. When I was married I always knew that I could call my husband home from work if I just couldn't take care of them by myself. But now there is no one to call. It is all on me.

And now that I provide the only income for my family I worry that I won't be able to work. I don't get sick days. Any work I miss I either need to make up or refund.

I have to talk myself through it. I know I have friends and family who would go to the store and drop off groceries on my front porch. And my kids are getting older. They really can be quite self-sufficient when they need to be. And I do have a little money saved up if I had to take a loss in income. And God has always been faithful. We have been really healthy during the years I have been on my own.

But still, I get nervous.

Time for Myself

2011-09-16T07:00:00.001-07:00

As single moms it is so easy to forget to take care of ourselves. Between the job, the bills, the home, the meals, and the kids with all of their projects and activities, it can be hard to manage a shower, let alone some 'me' time.

But, for me, finding time for myself is vital. Without it I can get burned-out. I feel overwhelmed. I snap at my kids. I feel like I just can't keep up this pace anymore. So, while it isn't always easy, I make the time.

Now, of course I am not talking about a weekend retreat every month, although that would be nice. But it is amazing how big of a difference an hour or two away from my regular life can make. Lately, I have been taking myself to breakfast once a week. I go to this little cafe with yummy, inexpensive food and good coffee. I sit down and take a few deep breaths and look out the window while I wait for my food. I actually savor what I eat. And then I pull out my fiction book and read for a while.

It doesn't take long, an hour or two at most. But I come away feeling so refreshed. Taking even a little time for myself each week makes my life feel more manageable. And, for me, that is key.

What do you do that makes your single-mom life feel manageable?

The Me Project, by Kathi Lipp

2011-09-05T14:10:00.001-07:00

As moms we tend to focus on everything but ourselves. We give to our families and spend almost all of our time taking care of others. But, is it okay to think about what we'd like to do? Is it okay to dream for ourselves?

"The Me Project" says yes. Written by author and speaker Kathi Lipp, this very practical guide encourages women to pursue their dreams, while still taking care of their families. Written from a Christian perspective, this step-by-step book gives you permission and a plan to figure out what your dreams are, make sure they are in line with God's will for you, and to begin pursuing them.

As single moms, we have to make money somehow. Why not take some time and figure out a way to do it that you love, that you feel called to? Dare to dream for your own life, not just for the lives of your children.

Through humor and practical suggestions, Kathi Lipp can help you find yourself again after single motherhood has taken over. So, grab a copy for you (and one for your bff) and start dreaming!

Getting out There

2011-07-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

As a single mom, it would be so easy to isolate myself. I homeschool my kids and work out of my house. I could easily stay home all of the time. There is a lot to take care of around here and I do tend to be tired. It would be much easier to stay home and avoid the social scene.

But, I don't want to become a recluse. I like having a life so I go out and live it. I stay active in my church. I go to swim team practice. I have dinner with friends. I take the kids to the lake with my brother. I don't always feel like doing these things, but I do them anyway.

It is important for me to go out and live my life, in spite of being a single mom. Someday my kids will move out, and unless I end up getting remarried, it will just be me (and my future dog). The temptation is to stay home and let my life revolve around my children. But I have to be my own person, and I have to give them room to figure out who they are as well.

Who Cares?

2011-06-03T18:24:00.001-07:00

One of the hard things about parenting alone is not having someone to talk with at the end of the day.

When I had a husband we would talk after he got home from work. I would have a chance to rave about my children. I would tell him the things they had done that day, and together, we would marvel at how cute they were, or how smart.

There is something so satisfying about being able to share stories about your children. But, unfortunately, not everyone is interested. Countless sitcoms have been written about people boring their friends and neighbors with home movies and endless stories of how wonderful their kids are. So, obviously, it doesn't work to share these stories with just anyone.

I was at a friend's house today. And she truly loves my children like they were her own. I went on and on about the antics of my little ones. She listened intently, and responded with comments about how cute they are.

I really appreciate knowing that someone else loves my children enough to care about their day-to-day lives. I don't think there is anything that means more to a mom than someone who loves and appreciates her children. And in a single-parent household that someone isn't always easy to come by.

I'm Not Standing Strong, but I am Still Standing

2011-05-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

A college student shared her testimony at my church yesterday. She talked about the difficult year she has had. She talked about how she has questioned God, and how she is remaining faithful. Her friends and family have been there to help and support her as she has walked through the storms of the past several months.

It was a very authentic and heartfelt testimony. But what I appreciated the most was her closing. She said, "As I stand here before you I'm not standing strong. But I am still standing."

I tend to have such high expectations of myself. I know what it means to do well spiritually. But, over the past couple of years I have been weighed down by divorce, depression, family illnesses a cross-country move and financial problems. I beat myself up for not "standing strong." But, maybe I need to be grateful and happy that after all the past few years have brought my way that I am still standing.

I am still faithful to God. I am still committed to the body of Christ. I am still raising and educating my children. I haven't pulled an "Eat, Pray, Love" and just walked away from it all. I'm still here.

Hopefully there will come a day when I am able to stand strong - to be an encouragement and example to others, to be the one who volunteers and works behind the scenes. But, for now I am grateful that I am still standing. And I will continue to lean on God and draw strength from him so that I can stand another day.

Broken Pieces

2011-05-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

We started reading Winnie the Pooh last night, the original stories. This may seem unimportant, but for our family this was a big deal.

Our Winnie the Pooh tradition started when I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband would read to my tummy. I have wonderful memories of laying in bed together and laughing until we cried over those stories. If you haven't read them, they have some dry humor that catches you by surprise. They are wonderful.

Then when my two oldest children were little, my husband read the stories to them at bedtime.

This has been part of our family heritage. So, last night I started reading them. I had a lump in my throat the entire time. I remember the stories so well, but have never heard my own voice reading them. It made me sad.

I can't change what has happened. All I can do is move forward and do my best to parent alone. So, I keep picking up the pieces of our broken family and trying to redeem some of the old traditions that seemed so dependent on my ex-husband. We are healing and moving forward the best that we can.

Friday Devotional - Comforting Others

2011-05-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

It's so hard to know what to say to someone who is suffering a loss. "I'm sorry for your loss," seems safe enough. But, does it really offer any comfort? I knew a woman who lost her little boy to leukemia. Days later, a very insensitive man at our church said, "well sister, you just have to trust God."

Of course she needed to trust God, but that statement was of no comfort at all.

I have another friend who lost her husband this past year. She very bravely gave her testimony in church a few weeks ago. Another insensitive man (a different one) came up after and asked, "so, you're still grieving?"

The Bible says that we will be equipped to give comfort to those who need it by the comfort we have received. Maybe the more pain we endure, the more comfort we receive. And the more comfort we receive, the more we have to give.

I don't know the answer really, but I believe this passage. I worry about saying insensitive things to those who are grieving. Certainly I have experienced loss, but it is hard to know what to say to someone whose wounds are fresh. But I trust that God will provide a way for me to give comfort. Maybe it is just holding a hand, or lending an ear. Maybe it's bringing over a meal, or offering to watch the children for an afternoon. Or, maybe it is just by not saying something insensitive.

So, this week, let's take the comfort we have received during the storms in our lives and extend it to others who are hurting.

Write Shop Giveaway

2011-05-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite writers, Nancy I. Sanders, has written a homeschool writing curriculum for primary students. You can check out her website at http://www.nancyisanders.com/.

I discovered that a fellow blogger has worked out a giveaway of this new curriculum. Check it out here: http://confessionsofahomeschooler.blogspot.com/2011/05/write-shop-primary-review-giveaway.html?commentPage=2

Good luck!

It's a New Day

2011-05-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

I am getting a fresh start today. The past few weeks have been difficult for me. But sometimes that is the way God teaches me. He has lately been showing me some things I need to change - about my parenting, my friendships and the ways I handle my schedule.

So, today I am focusing on my priorities and my schedule. I woke up early and had a good quiet time. As I was getting ready for my day, I sat down and made a list of my priorities, planning my schedule accordingly. I'm hoping that by starting off this way I can spend my time today with purpose, accomplishing much without getting burned out or having that 'where did all the time go?' feeling.

As homeschooling single moms we have a lot to do. And often it feels as if there just isn't enough time in a day. But, there are actions we can take to use our time powerfully.

First, start the day by having time reading the Bible and praying. By spending our time with God first, it demonstrates that it is our top priority, and we are less likely to skip it. Today I asked God to help me prioritize and plan my day.

Secondly, be organized. It is so easy to be ruled by the "tyranny of the urgent" or to sit at the computer following rabbit trails. Make a schedule and stick to it.

And lastly, be realistic. A couple of weeks ago I made a list of all of the things that I felt that I want/need to get done in a day. After assigning a time-value to each activity, I totaled them up. I was hoping to discover that I was wasting time and could fit more in. What I discovered is that I was trying to get 18-hours worth of stuff done each day. And that didn't include sleeping, actual piano classes (my job) or parenting beyond our homeschool day. I was not being realistic. No wonder my house has been a mess and I have been discouraged.

All we can really do is our best, one day at a time. But we can learn from each day and maybe make tomorrow a bit better. Oh, and don't forget that days off are important too!

Friday Devotional - God's Plans

2011-05-14T09:21:00.001-07:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I have been really struggling with life lately. I know that the Bible says that God has plans for me, but I am struggling with the way things have turned out. Was it really God's plan for me to be divorced, trying to raise and educate four children completely on my own? Was it God's plan for me to receive no child support and no physical help at all from their father? Was it God's plan for me to live 10 minutes from my parents and brothers, yet hardly ever see them?

I have been feeling burned out and weary lately. I have been keeping up a busy pace for a long time. But, I am finding it harder and harder to maintain. And, my income is still not what I need to make ends meet, which means I need to do even more.

Jesus says that "my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The Bible also says that "God gently leads those that have young." These things just aren't adding up for me right now.

But, here's the truth: I can't even begin to understand God's perspective. Where my life is right now makes no sense to me, but my understanding is so limited. I can look back with a clear conscience and say that throughout all of this I have been really trying to discern God's will and to follow it. But, the treadmill just keeps going faster and faster.

I'm sure God is trying to teach me something. I think about people in the Bible and all that some of them had to go through for God to teach them. The Israelites spent generations in Egypt and then 40 years wandering in the desert. Moses tended sheep for decades before he was ready to fulfill God's purposes for his life. Jonah had what I imagine was quite a rough weekend inside a fish.

I wish I had some grand answer or insight to share to conclude this devotional, but I don't. All I know is that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue to pray for God's wisdom and guidance. Maybe God is showing me that I need to make some changes. In the meantime I will just keep doing the best that I can, and trying to keep a teachable heart while trusting that he will show me what he wants me to see.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Running Away Screaming

2011-05-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have had one of those weeks where I have felt like running away. Life just seems like too much. I think I have been feeling particularly single lately. Going to a homeschool convention last week reminded me that I miss being a "typical" homeschool family. A wedding at my church made me miss being married. And Mother's Day reminded me that I don't have the appreciation of a husband.

So, I have felt a little sad, a little angry, and alot tired. The responsibility of raising and educating four children all by myself seems particularly daunting at the moment. And the prospect of continuing to keep my family afloat financially seems exhausting.

But, I am in this for the long haul. I have 14 years left before my youngest turns 18. That's alot of parenting. Certainly I will get better at it by then and maybe not feel so tired. For the time being I am just going to try to do this one day at a time.

Friday Devotional - Gently Led

2011-05-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Isaiah 40:11

I went to a homeschool conference today. I have always loved homeschool conferences and have probably been to about 10 of them over the years. There are classes to inspire and to instruct. There is an exhibit hall crammed from end to end with every type of curriculum that you can imagine. And there are hundreds of homeschoolers.

I was struck by how many babies and pregnant women I saw at this event. Between the pregnant and nursing moms, the whole place must have been awash with unseen hormones. I couldn't help but think about how different my life is from where it was when I attended my first homeschool conference.

I fit right in then. I'm pretty sure I had a baby in a carrier. I was a stay-at-home devoted wife. Homeschooling seemed exciting and all-encompassing. But, now when I go to a homeschool conference I feel a bit like a freak. No more babies. No more husband. And homeschooling has become a very small, albeit important, part of my life. I have so many other things that need my attention now. As a single mom, I am in a very small minority of homeschoolers.

The Bible says that God gently leads those who have young. All those mommies are being gently led by God. But, so am I. I'll be honest. The direction that my life has taken hasn't felt very gentle really, but I believe this scripture. I suspect that my definition of gentle may be a bit different from God's.

The last few years have been hard. But, God has never let my children go hungry. We have always had a roof over our heads and people who love us. And for today, we have all we need and more.

2011-05-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

I am a swimmer.

I am a writer.

I am the breadwinner for my family.

I wouldn't have believed any of this if you had told me three or four years ago. Life as I knew it had to crumble to the ground for me to discover any of this. But as I emerge from the wreckage, I am slowly discovering who I can be.

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Doing Things the Hard Way

2011-05-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is one of my special talents. It took me a long time to realize it though. But a few years ago I was in the checkout line at the grocery store with four 12-packs of soda in my cart. There was a buy three, get one free sale or something. When I got to the checkout I loaded all four 12-packs onto the conveyor belt.

The person behind me, who was also taking advantage of the deal on soda, loaded one 12-pack on the conveyor belt and just mentioned to the checker that she had three more in her cart.

That was when I first realized that I tend to make things harder than they really need to be. But, I'm not sure its really such a bad thing.

Today at swim team practice I was sharing a lane with another woman. I noticed that she wore her fins throughout most of the practice. I didn't. With the extra push her fins provided, she sailed through much of the practice, making the time itervals with ease. While I, without my fins, really struggled and found myself out of breath more than once.

I could have made the practice much easier for myself by wearing my fins the whole time. But I'm not sure I would have felt that same sense of accomplishment. I think I find life more rewarding when I don't opt for the easiest path.

But, I do leave my extra 12-packs in my cart now.

Happiness is a Choice?

2011-05-03T05:59:00.000-07:00

I remember my mom telling me about a book with this title a few years ago. I have never actually read it, but I have been thinking about the concept.

Is happiness really a choice? Abraham Lincoln thought so. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be," he said. And while he did make a lasting impact on history, his life was really no picnic.

I've been noticing lately how much my perceptions and attitudes affect how I feel. Something happened in my life this week that was potentially upsetting. I shared the story with a couple of friends. One of them was shocked and even flabbergasted by what had happened. The other didn't really understand what the big deal was. They just perceived it differently.

Unfortunately, I did let this event affect me. I lost sleep over it and felt sad for several days. But did I really need to? Did I have to let something that I couldn't change hurt me that much?

I don't get to choose my emotional reaction to things. Emotions just happen. But I do get to choose whether or not I dwell on those emotions. I can choose how I spend my emotional energy and what I spend time thinking about.

So perhaps happiness is a choice. Jesus promised that "in this world you will have trouble." But perhaps we can choose whether or not we spend our time happy or sad. I don't think the choice is as easy as "I'll take the blue one." But when it comes down to it, perhaps happiness is something we can choose.

God Made You Special and He Loves You Very Much

2011-04-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Have you seen Veggie Tales? I love them. And I love their tagline.

God did make each one of us special. When was the last time you focused on that? It is so much easier to focus on what we don't like about ourselves. And our culture is more than happy to assist in that. Just take a look at the magazine covers next time you are in the check-out line. Are you stunningly beautiful? Independently wealthy? Driving the latest and greatest car? Madly in love with someone who is madly in love with you? Running your own Fortune 500 company?

Probably not. Perhaps your jeans are a size or two bigger than what you would like. Maybe you found a new grey hair this morning. Maybe your car is old and your love-life is a bit dull. Or maybe your job is anything but glamorous.

But, at your core, the very center of who you are, you are special. It doesn't matter what you look like or what kind of car you drive. It doesn't matter how you measure up in the world. What matters is that God created you exactly as he wanted you to be.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalm 139:14

So, the next time you are standing in line at the grocery store and notice the beautiful, wealthy people on the covers of the magazines remember, God made you special and he loves you very much.

It's All in How You Look at It

2011-04-20T13:10:00.001-07:00

My dad had a lung transplant last September. And his recovery has been a rough road. In fact, next week he has to go back to the hospital (which is halfway across the country from where he lives) and have a chemo-type treatment for rejection.

I have been amazed by his attitude throughout this entire ordeal. Since his transplant just 7 months ago he has had RSV, pneumonia, a fungal infection, a nearly life-ending blood clot and rejection (twice). Yet, he remains hopeful and optimistic. I have yet to even hear him complain.

A few weeks ago I was at my parents' house for dinner. My dad was struggling at the time. He required constant supplemental oxygen and couldn't stand for very long. As he sat at the table with oxygen tubes in his nose, he explained to me that he has decided he would like to become a singer. He's not looking to be the next American Idol, but he would like to try out for his church choir.

This sounded fairly ridiculous to me, but I just listened. His next statement blew me away. "I think I'd have a real advantage over other beginners because I've learned to breathe with my diaphragm since the lung transplant."

This is why my dad will be around for 20 more years if he has any say in the matter. He's 73 years old, has a lung that didn't originally belong to him, is on oxygen and can't stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time. Yet he "has a real advantage" when it comes to singing in the choir.

How much of our success in life has to do with our perspective, with the way we view our situation? Are you a victim, or a conqueror?

Pizza and Mythbusters

2011-02-11T20:07:00.000-08:00

Family traditions are important. Growing up, my family had a lot of them. There are even specific meals we would eat on specific holidays using specific recipes. My mom made sure that things were "just so."

As a single parent I think it is easy to lose sight of the importance of family traditions. Let's face it, most days we are just trying to make it. But, to the children in a single-parent home, I think traditions may be even more important. Their lives have likely been rocked a bit and they need stability.

So, in our family we have pizza and Mythbusters. I have no doubt that my children will remember this even as adults. It is something that we all love, even me. We rarely eat out or pick up food, so getting pizza is a real treat. And when we eat pizza, we always have a living room picnic and watch Mythbusters. In fact, we aren't allowed to watch it (except on rare occasions) unless we have pizza to go with it. And we wouldn't even consider pizza without watching the show.

We have other traditions as well. We finally read together each night before bed. This is something I always wanted to do, but could never seem to manage. But, now we have read the entire 'Little House' series and are almost through 'The Chronicles of Narnia.' It is cheaper than pizza and is really quite easy to keep up with. But, again it provides stability for my kids. And I have no doubt that they will always remember these things as special family traditions.

What to do tonight?

2011-02-11T19:48:00.000-08:00

I really like evenings. I have heard that other single moms get lonely at night, but gratefully, I rarely do. Once my kids are in bed and the house is quiet I can choose what I want to do without compromise. And that is an advantage that married people just don't have.

I don't have to watch someone else's tv show. I can read if I want to, as late as I want to, with the light on in my room. I can go to bed early, or stay up late. I can even watch a chick-flick for the thousandth time if I choose. Once my kids are in bed I don't have anyone else wanting my time, attention, or energy.

Maybe I'll take a bubble bath.

40 Trips Around the Sun

2010-09-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

I had my birthday yesterday. The single mom birthdays hold some challenges. I do miss having someone to plan something special, or to surprise me with a gift. My ex-husband was great at gift-buying.

So, a couple of years ago I started buying myself a birthday and a Christmas present. It is never a surprise of course, but I can save up and get whatever I want most. At first it was hard to spend the money, and I felt a little silly. But I did it anyway. I figured that if I were still married, money would be spent for my birthday. Why should that change just because I'm single?

I even wrap them. And, no, I'm not surprised when I open them, But there is something about the act of ripping off the paper that just makes it more fun. And whatever I buy, whenever I buy it, I cannot use it or look at it until the big day.

One year I bought myself one of my favorite tv series on DVD for Christmas. (Ok, it was one of the Star Treks, but don't tell anyone.) I made myself wait to watch it until Christmas morning. And I was so glad that I did. My mother insists that we all try on our Christmas clothes and come show her so she can take a picture (yes, in every outfit). I hadn't been alone for that ritual in over a decade. But, I set up my portable DVD player and watched my new DVD while I tried on clothes alone and I wasn't lonely at all. I did have to pause it a lot as I ran up and down the stairs to show my clothes to my mom, but I didn't mind.

I think as single moms we have a choice. We can focus on the difficulties, and how lonely we feel, and wallow in self-pity. Or, we can be martyrs and focus on all that we do and how hard it is to do it. Or we can do what we can to take care of ourselves and enjoy our lives. So, why not buy yourself a gift? Save up, and enjoy!

Give Me a Break!

2010-08-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

No, really, I needed a break.

As a single mom, especially a homeschooling one, I am around my kids all the time. And I love being around my kids. It's part of the reason that I choose to homeschool. But as moms, we all need a break occasionally.

A dear friend of mine (also a homeschooling, single mom) offered to keep my kids for a full 24 hours so that I could have a real break -no diapers to change, no little mouths to feed, no arguments to referee, no one to put to bed at night, and no one to interrupt my quiet time in the morning. And I didn't have to keep looking at my watch so I wouldn't miss pick-up time since they were spending the night.

I really appreciate her heart. I didn't ask her for that, or even complain to her that I needed a break. But in her situation her kids are elsewhere every other weekend so she gets a break then. She knew that I didn't.

It was lovely. I grilled myself a steak for dinner, with sauteed mushrooms. I did some shopping (fun shopping). I went to the fabric store and browsed in Half-Price Books. I sat at home and relaxed. And before I picked up my kids the next day I had a hot fudge sundae for dinner.

I am starting this week much more refreshed. Once I thought about it I realized that I hadn't had 24 hours without my children and without anything scheduled in four years. These years are busy years, and wonderful years. I know I will get lots of breaks in the far-off future. But, still, it was a nice 24 hours.

Double Standards

2010-08-23T08:52:00.001-07:00

I teach piano lessons. Actually, I teach lessons with a revolutionary piano method called Simply Music®. This particular method is taught most effectively in groups. So, I typically teach classes with 2-5 students. The classes are great fun, but even more than that, the success of the students is like nothing I have ever seen before.

This week I had an inquiry from a homeschooling family with 3 children. I spoke with the mom who was interested in enrolling all three. She was happy to find out that, because they were fairly close in age, they could all be in a class together.

Then this morning she called me again. Her husband decided that the lessons were too expensive. I understand that. I'm on a very tight budget myself. But then she told me that her husband had figured up that I would be making more an hour than he does, so he wasn't willing to pay that much.

These people don't know that I am a single mom and that this is how I support my family. But, that shouldn't matter. What is the double standard here? Is it that a woman shouldn't make as much as a man? Or is it that piano teachers shouldn't make decent money? Whatever it was, it made me spitting-mad.

Perhaps if he is concerned that I make more money per hour than he does he should consider teaching Simply Music piano lessons himself. He wouldn't even need a music degree.

If you are interested in teaching Simply Music check out www.simplymusic.com/AboutTeaching.

S.O.S.

2010-08-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

We've all read them. You know, the "happily ever after" stories. It's so interesting to me that once the prince and princess are married that the rest is guaranteed. I suspect that I'm not the only one who expected that to be true in real life.

But, here I am. I am a single mom of four children under 12. And I am feeling the pressure. I sense a great weight on my shoulders. How will I make it financially? How will I raise them all by myself? How do a teach a boy to be a man? It is a great responsibility. There are times when I wish I had someone to share the burden.

Our church service this week was at the airport, well not in the airport exactly. It was at a hotel at the airport though. I don't know if you've ever been to DFW, but it is practically its own city. I hate driving to DFW. But, that's where church was. So I loaded us all up in the car and headed out.

We made it okay. But then we had to park in the garage. I have a lousy sense of direction and often have trouble relocating my car after I park it in a big parking garage. I took note of my parking place number. I made sure to notice which level we were on. When I walked into the hotel I tried to pay close attention to where we came in so that we could leave through the same door. But all the while I knew that when the time came to leave I would feel uncertain about where to go.

As we sat in service in a giant hotel ballroom I noticed that I kept looking towards the door as if I were waiting for someone. My children were all accounted for and I'd seen most of my friends already. There was no one to look for really. Eventually, I realized that I was looking for a rescuer. It's almost as if I expected the right man to walk through that door any minute. And he would know exactly where we had parked. He would be happy to navigate us out of the airport heading in the right direction. And he would even drive. He would help make the decision about what to do for lunch. And he would be perfectly happy to carry the exhausted three-year-old to the car.

I watched the door for a while, but he never came in. I'm not sure I would have recognized him even if he had. So, we left church. And, yes, I had trouble figuring out which of the doors to the parking garage was the correct one. And I wasn't sure I was in the right place until I actually saw my car. I turned off the radio and told my kids to be quiet so I could concentrate on our way out of the airport in order to make sure I ended up going in the right direction.

But, we made it home.

There are things that really scare me about being a single mom. But, somehow I manage to get through them anyway. Still, there are times when it would be nice to have a man around.

Do you know anyone who knows how to put together a bunk bed?

Ecclesiastes 6:13-14

2010-08-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future."

A beloved man from my church died this weekend. He left behind a wife and five children. The whole church is reeling. It left many of us wondering - with so many men out there who are hurting and abandoning their families, why would God take a good man who loved his wife and children?

The inevitable conclusion is that we just aren't privy to that information. But, we still question why. I heard it said once that our lives are like a beautiful tapestry. But, while we are on earth God only allows us to see the back of it. I don't know if you've ever seen the back of a tapestry, but it is a mess of strings and the picture is pretty unrecognizable. It isn't until we get to heaven that we have the perspective to see the beauty of the picture. Maybe then we will gain some understanding of the things in life that seem so unfair, that seem to have no good purpose, to the pain that people suffer.

I think the answer is simply this: God has a perspective that we cannot possibly fathom. He sees the past, present and even the future with perfect clarity. He is never perplexed. He is never surprised. He never makes a mistake. He never thinks, "oh no, what am I going to do now?"

So, we can have faith, even through the hard, yucky times. God is working beautiful things in and through our lives. And someday, for those of us who are obedient to God's word, we will be done with the pain and sorrow and tears. Maybe then we will see things a bit more from God's perspective. In heaven we may understand all of this, but I suspect that at that point none of it will seem nearly as important.

Going Into the Tunnel

2010-08-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

When my friend Kim has to have a difficult, possibly conflict-laden conversation with someone she says she is "going into the tunnel" with that person.

I don't know about you, but I do not enjoy or look forward going into the tunnel. But those tunnel moments have an interesting effect on our relationships. Logically, it seems that the best relationships would be those free from conflict and difficulty. But, experience teaches us that this just isn't the case.

Relationships where we don't ever go into the tunnel tend to be shallow. We never really know if they will survive difficulty or not. And there is something about emerging from the tunnel together that inspires loyalty. I find this even with my music students. There always comes a point where we have to deal with a difficult issue. So, we go into the tunnel.

Today I had to go into the tunnel with a student who has been with me for only two weeks. I found it empowering, not in a selfish sort of way, but in a way that made me feel confident that I can speak my mind. I shared what she needed to hear with kindness and concern, but I didn't shy away from what needed to be said. I know from experience that if this student decides to continue studying with me after our trip into the tunnel, she will likely be with me for a long time.

An Anniversary

2010-08-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

I'm having kind of a sad day today, so far anyway. It's only 9:00am. But I have found that some days I just wake up feeling a little blue.

Today it might have something to do with the fact that it is my 1-year anniversary of living in Texas. I am glad I'm here and I'm glad that I made it through a difficult first year, but it also reminds me that things have turned out differently than I had planned.

I knew that God wanted me to move here. I prayed and got advice for months as I was making the decision. God wrapped up the answer to those prayers with a red ribbon. So I have never doubted that this was the right decision. But things have turned out differently than I had expected.

I thought I'd feel so free moving here. I thought it would be this big sigh of relief. But it was hard to get used to a different "home." And it took me much longer to make friends than I'd expected. My business has gotten off to a slower start than I'd planned. The divorce took a long time and ended up being emotionally exhausting. And my husband reacted much differently than I'd imagined he would.

One of the primary reasons I moved here (so I thought) was to be close to family and to receive their support. That has turned out much differently than I expected too. Because I haven't lived in the same city with my parents since I have been an adult, I was afraid that I would not feel like a grown-up being here. But I see how God has used the situation to show me that not only am I a grown-up, but I can actually be a source of support.

God has really taken care of me and my littles this year, and I have no doubt that he will continue to. And as for feeling blue, I am also confident that "this too shall pass."

Strength in Adversity

2010-07-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

My dad is sick. He's 72 and he has some un-named lung problem. He has to be on oxygen all the time and can barely even walk up stairs. That may not seem terribly outrageous for a 72 year-old. But a year ago when I moved from California to Texas he helped load the moving van and drove it across the country. Then he helped carry heavy furniture up my stairs. My dad has eaten healthy for decades and exercised three times a week without fail for as long as I can remember.

Right now he is in his car with his portable oxygen machine driving to a hospital in Colorado. This hospital specializes in respiratory issues. He has high hopes that they will figure out what is wrong with him and find a treatment.

He took care of himself and did things "right." But, here he is, sick anyway. We just only have so much control over our futures.

I remember when I was younger I felt like nothing could really go terribly wrong. It's not that my life was perfect, but I felt like there were certain things I just couldn't handle so I couldn't possibly go through them.

I've heard it said that the strongest oak trees grow where the strongest winds blow. They respond to difficulty by becoming strong. I always thought that I had to be strong enough to deal with life's difficulties. I didn't realize that difficulties build strength.

As a single mom of four, I do things now that I never thought I could do. I really never thought that I could handle being the one in charge. I was a big fan of passing the buck. I enjoyed the security of feeling that if I couldn't handle something there was someone else who could take care of it. But now there isn't. So with whatever comes up, I'm the man (so to speak).

I hope that my dad gets his answers this week.

Denim Jumpers and Homemade Bread

2010-07-19T20:05:00.001-07:00

When I was married I was a fairly stereotypical homeschooler. Okay, I didn't actually wear denim jumpers. But I did bake my own bread. I decided I wanted to be like the Duggars and have a lot of children. I even considered having myself and all of my girls wear only dresses. My jeans-wearing 11-year-old would have hated that.

I wore my Birkenstocks to homeschool conventions with my baby strapped to me in the latest baby-wear carrier. I tried to find the perfect curriculum and get everything done.

I think what I was really looking for was the family I had always dreamed of. But I figured out that you can't have that if it isn't a common goal.

So, now I am divorced and I have had to redefine who I am as a homeschooler. Stereotypes are out. There is no such thing as a typical single homeschooler, at least not yet. So, I have abandoned being like the Duggars, although I have learned some parenting skills from them. I do bake homemade bread when I can find the time. And I will always wear my Birkenstocks.

But it is interesting now because I don't really feel like I fit in with the married homeschoolers I know. They just don't seem to get it. And I'm not sure I would trade places with them. I have been able to let go of so much of the pressure and expectations that burdened me. We have a limited amount of time to have school each day. When the time is over, we're done. Things don't have to be perfect. My children don't have to be perfect. And even I don't have to be perfect.

Through all of this I think I have become a better homeschooler and a better parent. It feels good to break the mold. And besides, most of us who decided to homeschool are about going against the grain anyway.

Get a Life

2010-07-17T09:14:00.001-07:00

Before my divorce was final I felt depressed most days. Since it has been final I still have bad days, but I actually have some good days now too. In the process I have learned something about myself. When I feel depressed and down I tend to isolate. It's on those days that I cringe when the phone rings. I don't want to talk to or see anyone other than my kids.

And while I think there are times when I need to listen to those feelings and give myself a break from other people, I have also learned that I almost always feel better if I push through and don't isolate.

Yesterday I was faced with an isolation feeling. It was my day off and I didn't have anything scheduled. And while I was very glad to have a day like that, I found myself feeling down also. But I had some invitations come in that I had to deal with. I had been invited to dinner for tonight (Saturday). I was nervous. It is someone I don't know very well. And then a friend from church asked if I want to get together after church on Sunday. And another friend from church invited me and my kids over for dinner and swimming on Monday night.

What I really wanted to do was crawl under my bed and hide. But I prayed, gathered up my courage and said yes to all three invitations. I am getting a life.

My marital decline/separation/divorce have pretty well consumed the last 4 years of my life. And while I have worked hard throughout that time to pursue new friendships, business ventures and hobbies, all of that has been constantly overshadowed by my marital issues.

But now the divorce is final and I am getting on with my life. It feels like I was in the middle of a lake with just my face above water, flailing from time to time, but trying to keep calm and keep breathing through those four difficult years. And now I am on the shore. I am soggy and exhausted, but I am on the shore. But as I look around I realize that I am in a new place. Very little of this land is familiar to me. I am relieved to be here and not in the middle of the lake anymore, but I am also scared and uncertain.

So, I am praying a lot. I am answering my phone. And I am accepting invitations. My life doesn't have to be about my divorce anymore. It is time to get a life, even if it scares me.

"That's not from Jesus"

2010-07-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

When something happens that my 3-year-old doesn't like she says, "that's not from Jesus." I'm not entirely sure what her picture of Jesus is, but she is positive that he doesn't like things that make her unhappy.

I think as adults we can take this view of Jesus too. When things are going well we think, "God is really blessing me. I must be doing well." And when things don't go as we'd like them to we think that either God is not doing us right, or that we have messed up somehow and are being punished.

But, Jesus himself said that "in this world you will have trouble." We should not be surprised by that. Being a Christian is not a bargaining chip that we can use with God to guarantee an easy life. We are not promised that things will go well for us all the time. But God has made some promises to us that may help during the tough times:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Sometimes we need a reminder that God is not a genie. Just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean that they will get what they wish for. And sometimes the answers to our prayers are not what we had hoped for. Not only that, but sometimes the answers to our prayers are so different than what we expected that we don't even recognize them.

As my little one grows older and more mature, I will try to help her understand that sometimes the things that make her unhappy might actually be from Jesus. But she can always rest assured that even those things are for God's purpose and her ultimate good.

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

2010-07-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

I saw that clip from the movie "Jerry McGuire" the other day. The world truly is all about the money isn't it? I think many of us as homeschoolers avoid the designer clothes and the latest gadgets, but we still need to eat. So, money is an issue for all of us. And those of us who are single moms feel that burden all on our own.

I don't know what other homeschooling single moms do for income. I teach piano lessons, flute lessons and Bradley childbirth classes. I don't have enough students to make it at the moment. But I have enrolled several new ones this week so things are starting to look up.

But, what about when they are not looking up? Financial stress affects most all of us. It can make us crabby and depressed. Sometimes the stress can even affect our relationship with our children.

I have a friend who is a homeschooling single mom. And probably the words that I have heard from her mouth more than any others are "God is my provider." And isn't it the truth? On Sunday the preacher did a lesson on Matthew 6 (the "worry" chapter). Here's a reminder:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . .

So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-27, 31-34

Don't worry. We'll get through this together. . .

2010-07-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

This morning I got up, had my quiet time, got dressed and fed the kids. I had my piano lesson plans for the week completed as of yesterday and my house was clean. But, I felt anxious. I knew I had a few sticky situations to deal with and I wasn't sure how to handle them. So I sat down to write. I find that if I sit and write when I feel anxious whatever it is that is bothering me comes out and I can deal with it.

I started writing down the things I felt anxious about. And, honestly, some of them have the potential to be very difficult to deal with. I know that God will give me what I need to get them taken care of, but I'm not sure how as of yet.

I realized that what I really wanted at that moment was someone (okay, a man) to give me a hug, and tell me, "Don't worry. We'll get through this together." But, I had to again face the reality that there is no knight in shining armor who is going to come along and rescue me. I have to deal with all of these things on my own.

And I will. It is a reminder that I am stronger than I think I am. When I look back over the past two years that I have been on my own, I am amazed at what I have been able to do. So, I will pray about the things that I am concerned about and God will provide me the answers and the strength to get them taken care of. But, sometimes I do wish he could be here with me physically and give me a hug and tell me, "Don't worry. We'll get through this together."

Chivalry

2010-07-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting experience this past weekend. I was at a song leading rehearsal for my church. I had brought my keyboard, which isn't terribly heavy, but is a bit cumbersome. I had to leave a little bit early, so I tried to pack it up and slip out without disturbing the rehearsal that was still going on.

I carted my stuff to the door and was getting ready to load up and take it to the car. Suddenly, three men in the rehearsal stopped what they were doing (including the one directing), jumped up and rushed to help me.

I was truly moved by that. I think as single moms we get so used to just doing what needs to be done that we forget what it feels like to receive help. I certainly could have opened the door and carried my stuff to the car alone. I do it all the time. But the gesture reminded me of something.

God wants his daughters to be treated with respect and tenderness. Many of us who have become single moms did not get here through respect and tenderness. Many of us have wounded hearts. Many may have completely forgotten what it feels like to be treated well. Many have forgotten that as daughters of God, we are worthy of being treated well - not because we have earned it - but because God loves us.

So, the next time you are carting stuff to your car, or putting the kids to bed by yourself, or wishing you had a partner to sit and talk about your day with, remember that you aren't as alone as you may feel. God is with us every step of the way. He will give us the strength and resources to do what must be done, but he will also treat us with chivalry, respect and tenderness.

Rest Time

2010-07-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

Every afternoon for one hour everyone in my house has to go to separate rooms and be quiet. The little ones nap and the older ones play quietly, read a book, or listen to a book on cd. I don't schedule any piano classes during that time because I cherish that hour.

Rest time developed out of nap time. I realized that I needed that time to breathe, even after my kids stopped napping. I remember my mother making a comment about what a great opportunity that was to get housework done. . . uh, no. That is my sanity time.

I think I'm probably the only person in my home who actually looks forward to rest time, but it is good for all of us. One thing about being a homeschooling family - we see a lot of each other. And I love seeing a lot of each other. It's part of the reason I homeschool. I love being around my kids. They're great little people. But I think as a homeschooling mom (especially a single one) it is really easy to forget to take care of myself. And rest time is a chance to do just that.

Bunnies

2010-07-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

There are things that I absolutely love about being a single mom. One of them is bunnies.

You see, now I have a room to myself again. And after a while it dawned on me that I can decorate it any way I want to. So, the first thing I did was buy a new bed, one that was just mine. I didn't have a ton of money of course, but I felt that it was important for me. Next I bought a girly, purple, flowery quilt for my bed, with matching dust ruffle and shams. I even made ruffled curtains to go with it.

But I still didn't have a decorating theme for my room. The place I am renting has all white walls. So I needed to figure out something. That's when I remembered how much I had always loved bunnies. So, that became my theme.

I felt silly at first. Aren't bunnies for nurseries? But I love them. And I did manage to find affordable, not babyish bunny decorations for my room (bunnyrabbits.com). And I love it. It is uniquely me.

Do You Have a Husband?

2010-07-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

I get that question occasionally. And the conversation usually follows the same format. "Do you have a husband?" I answer, "No, not so much." Then they reply simply, "oh, my. . . four kids." Sometimes I feel proud of it. Sometimes I just feel like a freak. And sometimes I feel that I need to justify it.

I am a Christian. And I always believed that Christians don't get divorced. I have been fortunate to be around mostly intact marriages. My parents have been married for 53 years. One of my brothers for over 25. I didn't even have any divorced friends. But when I would come in contact with someone who was divorced I remember judging them. I was full of pride and arrogance about the permanence of my marriage. I am ashamed of that now. And I find myself worrying from time to time that someone is judging me. Perhaps they are.

But I am learning that I do not owe anyone an explanation. I don't need to justify myself or explain the reasons why I ended up divorced. I find that when I do that I end up feeling guilty and defending myself, even though I know it was the right decision.

One evening I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my delayed flight. I was on my way back to California after finding a place to live on my own near my family in Texas. A kind, older man struck up a conversation with me and when I told him I was moving he asked why. With shame and sadness in my eyes, I told him.

And I will never forget the kindness that stranger extended to me that day. It turns out he was a minister. He passed no judgment, and showed nothing but compassion. We finished our conversation and, of course, I went to the bathroom and cried. But, I will always be grateful to him for his reaction. I hope that now I am more like him.

Girlfriends

2010-07-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

When I was in college I would get so mad when my best friend would ditch me to hang out with her boyfriend. But, I have to admit that once I was married I totally preferred my husband's company to that of women. And I'm sure I did some ditching of my own. I completely lost perspective on the value of girlfriends in my life.

My church would have a women's prayer group, or a women's midweek service and I never wanted to go. I think part of it is because I felt the need to compare myself to the other women there and feel inferior. But mostly it was because my husband was just everything to me. Why would I want to spend time with anyone else when he was sitting at home? Spending time with other women was almost never my first choice.

But, as my relationship with my husband deteriorated I realized that I needed something more. It turns out I'd always needed something more. I just hadn't noticed. But the day that I found out that I had received my hard-earned certification to teach childbirth classes, I reached for the phone, but didn't dial my husband's cell. I called one of my girlfriends. And she celebrated with me.

Since then I have learned so much about cultivating friendships. I have learned to listen and to give and to just be there. I have also learned to accept help, which may have been the hardest of all. I love being able to share my heart with another woman who will in turn offer compassion, or advice, or a new perspective.

There is a bond that we can have with only other women, especially women who share our deepest spiritual beliefs. As women we have so many emotional needs that no one person could possibly meet them, especially a man. So God generously and wisely provided girlfriends.

Well, here I am.

2010-07-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

My divorce has now been final for 4 days. I never thought I would get divorced. I know, who does? I remember saying to my husband (arrogantly as it turns out), "aren't you glad our children will never have to go through a divorce?" I was so certain.

But, here I am. A year and a half ago I sat in my bedroom in California, knowing that I wanted to move to Texas and that I needed to file for divorce. It seemed so insurmountable. I remember wishing I could fast-forward to a time when both of those things had been accomplished. If I had gotten my wish, I would have fast-forwarded to today.

I am sitting here with a lump in my throat, but hope in my spirit. I am realizing that I have no idea what comes next. Can I support my family? Can I continue to homeschool? Am I crazy? I have committed my future to God and am now waiting to see what he has planned. I am currently teaching piano and chilbirth classes. And I've always dreamed of writing. I alternate between hoping to get married again someday and being glad to be on my own.

When I got married as part of my wedding vows I said, "I know that life with you is going to be an adventure." I had no idea.